I am having one of those moments - you know where you really want to stomp and scream and yell, "How come life doesn't revolve around me!!??"
I am listening to Camden cry from the other room because I have grounded both of my little angels from getting any of the leftover cupcakes today. They fought in the car.... I warned them. Then we come home and I begin my numerous trips from the van to the house carrying school work, trash, groceries, and library books when the fighting begins again. I walk in to the kitchen to hear Hope yell, "I will NEVER love you" to which Camden responds with a swift kick between Hope's legs. Hope screams in anger and I declare over the sound of her yells, "Grounded from Cupcakes!!" Camden goes into anguished, heaving crying. I have two loads of clothes that need folding, my bathrooms are dirty, we're behind in schoolwork for the day due to our errands, and in the back of my mind I am constantly aware that I will be spending my entire evening tonight at the church gym watching Blake and 60 other guys in a dodgeball tournament ...and then..... my husband texts me to say, "Hey, I'm going out to lunch with one of the pastors today, so I won't be home for lunch." Oh, really, OH REALLY, OH REALLLLLLYYYYY!!!!
ahhhhh....... blog therapy.....that feels better. A little blogging and some time with the Lord and I'll be back on track because the truth is:
I'm living my dream. I have a wonderful husband, two children that I really do enjoy being with when they are not fighting or whining, the privilege and freedom to educate them at home, fantastic friends, a home and 2 vehicles, a healthy body and a healthy family, a church family that I love, a city 30 miles from the beach, the opportunity to be involved in ministry, and the love of the Savior of my soul. I am BLESSED beyond measure.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
There is an Exalted One (and its not me)
I read this quote today:
"When we genuinely believe that inner transformation is God's work and not ours, we can put to rest our passion to set others straight."
Setting others straight - boy do I love to do this. Now most of the time I just do it in my mind. Someone does something that I find offensive and something in my brain goes off like fireworks. I go over and over in my head why that person is wrong and what I would say to them that would be more powerful than a slap across the head. Its not pretty... this inner rage that comes over me when I want to set someone straight. Then after a period of stirring in the juices of my self righteous anger I begin to get this ridiculous idea that its me and God vs. the culprit (whomever that person is at the time). "What are we going to do with them, God?" I subconsciously think. "Please help me, Lord, put up with their absurdity."
However, in the past few days, God has been doing something "not very nice" to me. He's been showing me that I have the exact same faults as the ones I am so angry with in others. It sort of, in a small way, (sarcasm!!) reminds me of that verse: "Judge and you shall be judged." Mt. 7:2 How could I be so blind? How God must roll His eyes at MY absurdity!! Me and God against them?? I am surprised he hasn't slapped me across the head!!
So today I brought to God my habitual anger, my immediate response of rage when I am offended. "What do I do with this God?" This corrupt flesh that has me enslaved? And as I mopped the floor, I waited for Him and He spoke: "Separate the situation from the person." The situation upset me, the situation disappoints me, the situation causes my life to be more difficult, but the person....well that person belongs to God. That person, God made in His image and either longs to call His own or has already redeemed and anointed to be a part of the kingdom of righteousness. If He, the Perfect One, calls that person holy, anointed, and royal (1 Peter 2:9) - who am I to hold a grudge and judge deserving of God's hand of discipline?
There is something that God has shown me in the past that I believe will help me in this situation, and that is that emotions can lie. I can feel intense anger at someone, yet I can call it what it is: a lie from the father of lies. The truth is that God is a God of mercy and none of us deserve His kindness and redemption. I will take revenge....on MY disobedience. Last of all, I will trust God to take care of any and every situation that causes me pain or difficulty. I said above that God did something not nice to me, but in fact, He did something so very loving and wonderful. I read one time (possibly from Charles Sheldon- can't remember for sure) that the most un-kind thing God can do, is to leave us be. I am so grateful He doesn't leave me be, but that He convicts and restores and best of all....always loves.
Casting down imaginations and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; and having in a readiness to revenge all disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled. -2 Corinthians 10:5-6
"When we genuinely believe that inner transformation is God's work and not ours, we can put to rest our passion to set others straight."
Setting others straight - boy do I love to do this. Now most of the time I just do it in my mind. Someone does something that I find offensive and something in my brain goes off like fireworks. I go over and over in my head why that person is wrong and what I would say to them that would be more powerful than a slap across the head. Its not pretty... this inner rage that comes over me when I want to set someone straight. Then after a period of stirring in the juices of my self righteous anger I begin to get this ridiculous idea that its me and God vs. the culprit (whomever that person is at the time). "What are we going to do with them, God?" I subconsciously think. "Please help me, Lord, put up with their absurdity."
However, in the past few days, God has been doing something "not very nice" to me. He's been showing me that I have the exact same faults as the ones I am so angry with in others. It sort of, in a small way, (sarcasm!!) reminds me of that verse: "Judge and you shall be judged." Mt. 7:2 How could I be so blind? How God must roll His eyes at MY absurdity!! Me and God against them?? I am surprised he hasn't slapped me across the head!!
So today I brought to God my habitual anger, my immediate response of rage when I am offended. "What do I do with this God?" This corrupt flesh that has me enslaved? And as I mopped the floor, I waited for Him and He spoke: "Separate the situation from the person." The situation upset me, the situation disappoints me, the situation causes my life to be more difficult, but the person....well that person belongs to God. That person, God made in His image and either longs to call His own or has already redeemed and anointed to be a part of the kingdom of righteousness. If He, the Perfect One, calls that person holy, anointed, and royal (1 Peter 2:9) - who am I to hold a grudge and judge deserving of God's hand of discipline?
There is something that God has shown me in the past that I believe will help me in this situation, and that is that emotions can lie. I can feel intense anger at someone, yet I can call it what it is: a lie from the father of lies. The truth is that God is a God of mercy and none of us deserve His kindness and redemption. I will take revenge....on MY disobedience. Last of all, I will trust God to take care of any and every situation that causes me pain or difficulty. I said above that God did something not nice to me, but in fact, He did something so very loving and wonderful. I read one time (possibly from Charles Sheldon- can't remember for sure) that the most un-kind thing God can do, is to leave us be. I am so grateful He doesn't leave me be, but that He convicts and restores and best of all....always loves.
Casting down imaginations and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; and having in a readiness to revenge all disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled. -2 Corinthians 10:5-6
Monday, January 18, 2010
He loves us
Last week was a hard week. I struggled physically, mentally, and emotionally. Through it all, I had a deep knowing that it was spiritual. Yesterday as I sat and listened as the worship team prayed before service, I felt the Lord wooing me. Asking me to lay down my frustration, my hurts, my fears and to meet with Him in a place of surrender. He wanted my focus. Intimacy is very difficult when we are distracted, and my God wanted intimacy - His spirit and mine, His heart and mine. I knew that there was nothing that I needed more.
As we entered into praise and worship, I sensed Him immediately. Anytime I would close my eyes, I would feel like someone was coming up to my left side. I was sitting alone so I would open my eyes, but no one would be there. This happened several times until I finally decided that it must be the presence of the Lord. So the next time I felt it, I did as Eli told Samuel and I waited for the Lord to speak. I stood in absolute stillness and quiet and I began to know in my spirit His words and His thoughts for me. I kept having to open my eyes and distract myself from Him for a bit because I felt sure that I would fall over if I didn't, but each time I closed my eyes I would feel His presence again and always strongly at my left side. He spoke to me of His love for me. He whispered that if I knew how much He loved me, I would have no desires unmet, no needs that left me feeling weak and vulnerable.
This morning I was remembering yesterday morning. Reveling again in the experience and contemplating the wonder and beauty of meeting with the God of Creation. I began to question if there was something He was trying to express to me by being so strongly felt on my left side. I got on the internet and began to research. What I found is something I already knew, I just didn't put it together. The left side is the side of our heart. In artistry and mythology when something is held in the left hand or close to the left side it often directly or indirectly involves that person's heart. It gave me that dizzy beautiful feeling of being in love. My Savior came to my left side, the side of my heart, to talk to me of His love for me. He had enough intense love for me that He was that detailed in His expression. I am undone. He IS love.
As we entered into praise and worship, I sensed Him immediately. Anytime I would close my eyes, I would feel like someone was coming up to my left side. I was sitting alone so I would open my eyes, but no one would be there. This happened several times until I finally decided that it must be the presence of the Lord. So the next time I felt it, I did as Eli told Samuel and I waited for the Lord to speak. I stood in absolute stillness and quiet and I began to know in my spirit His words and His thoughts for me. I kept having to open my eyes and distract myself from Him for a bit because I felt sure that I would fall over if I didn't, but each time I closed my eyes I would feel His presence again and always strongly at my left side. He spoke to me of His love for me. He whispered that if I knew how much He loved me, I would have no desires unmet, no needs that left me feeling weak and vulnerable.
This morning I was remembering yesterday morning. Reveling again in the experience and contemplating the wonder and beauty of meeting with the God of Creation. I began to question if there was something He was trying to express to me by being so strongly felt on my left side. I got on the internet and began to research. What I found is something I already knew, I just didn't put it together. The left side is the side of our heart. In artistry and mythology when something is held in the left hand or close to the left side it often directly or indirectly involves that person's heart. It gave me that dizzy beautiful feeling of being in love. My Savior came to my left side, the side of my heart, to talk to me of His love for me. He had enough intense love for me that He was that detailed in His expression. I am undone. He IS love.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Memories and Resolution
2009 was an amazing year for us. As I have contemplated the past year, I am amazed at the difference a year can make. I know that Brownsville, Texas is not the place that most dream of living, but for us it is home - the place we waited for and prayed for, for seven years. My little girl asked and received salvation this year - a precious and eternal moment that our whole family got to share. We have seen God do many miracles in our lives. He has provided for us time and time again in ways that prove without a doubt that He is our sustainer and is personally and mightily involved in our lives. This past Sunday, Blake and I attended the church we were raised in. Worship was awesome and the pastor that I listened to from the age of 2 until I graduated high school preached a message that changed and will continue to change my life. He asked us if we live a life of doubt or a life of faith. He said that doubt and faith are habitual so that we either live a life of habitual faith or a life of habitual doubt. I was struck with conviction. The incredible conviction of God that always comes with a sure sense of His love for me. A love that surges within and lets me know that He will help me change if I have the desire to turn from my wicked ways and surrender. How in a million years after all that God has done for me, could I doubt His faithfulness? I want this year to be the year of a life change for me. I will practice faith when I want to stress and worry. I will practice faith when I want to over-analyze. I will practice faith when I want to rant and rave. I will practice faith...until it comes naturally. This is my primary new years resolution.
PS. Secondary resolutions - reading through the Bible in a year, studying Spanish, and the one I renew every year: staying un-pregnant :)
PS. Secondary resolutions - reading through the Bible in a year, studying Spanish, and the one I renew every year: staying un-pregnant :)
Thursday, December 17, 2009
The Creator of Romance
The kids and I watched The Nativity Story yesterday. I think we will watch it every Christmas season.
I was struck by the romance of the story of Joseph and Mary. God could have chosen Mary's mother to be with her during the birth and days leading up to it, or her Aunt Elizabeth, or an esteemed physician, but instead he chose a carpenter. A humble man who had already chosen Mary to be his bride, a man who had chosen to remain with her and protect her in this position of great honor and great difficult. He traveled with her many miles to Bethlehem caring for her, providing for her, making moment by moment sacrifices to ensure that she and the Messiah child were safe. They must have grown so close during this time. Both of them thrust into circumstances that were completely new to them. The Bible said that Joseph did not "know" Mary until after Jesus was born. To me, this makes it even more romantic. He was serving her, learning to love her, all while waiting for her. I guess we don't know for sure, but in the busyness of Bethlehem and being in a stable, he probably was the only one to help her during the labor and delivery of the baby Jesus. I think of how overwhelming the birthing process is to any new Daddy - but Joseph a man who had never "been" with a woman, and with no one but him to step in, became Mary's partner during her tremendous pain and delivery. He was there to catch the baby and place it in Mary's arms. What must he have felt as he watched Mary with the baby? I can only imagine the way their hearts must have been knit together at that moment.
In these days when romance is so shallow and selfish, I was reminded that God created romance and that love is a thing of great beauty. When we give of ourselves and seek the other person's good above our own we can create a romance that lasts forever and the story of it can be passed down for generations to come. I want to leave a legacy of romance - a romance with my God and a romance with the man He blessed me with in this life.
I was struck by the romance of the story of Joseph and Mary. God could have chosen Mary's mother to be with her during the birth and days leading up to it, or her Aunt Elizabeth, or an esteemed physician, but instead he chose a carpenter. A humble man who had already chosen Mary to be his bride, a man who had chosen to remain with her and protect her in this position of great honor and great difficult. He traveled with her many miles to Bethlehem caring for her, providing for her, making moment by moment sacrifices to ensure that she and the Messiah child were safe. They must have grown so close during this time. Both of them thrust into circumstances that were completely new to them. The Bible said that Joseph did not "know" Mary until after Jesus was born. To me, this makes it even more romantic. He was serving her, learning to love her, all while waiting for her. I guess we don't know for sure, but in the busyness of Bethlehem and being in a stable, he probably was the only one to help her during the labor and delivery of the baby Jesus. I think of how overwhelming the birthing process is to any new Daddy - but Joseph a man who had never "been" with a woman, and with no one but him to step in, became Mary's partner during her tremendous pain and delivery. He was there to catch the baby and place it in Mary's arms. What must he have felt as he watched Mary with the baby? I can only imagine the way their hearts must have been knit together at that moment.
In these days when romance is so shallow and selfish, I was reminded that God created romance and that love is a thing of great beauty. When we give of ourselves and seek the other person's good above our own we can create a romance that lasts forever and the story of it can be passed down for generations to come. I want to leave a legacy of romance - a romance with my God and a romance with the man He blessed me with in this life.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
a dream
I had a last dream last night that has been heavy on my mind all day. I decided that I should "document" it just because it has effected me so much. You never know.....
I dreamed that I was somewhere and I saw a man - an evil man - who was standing beside a pile of ice. In that pile of ice laid a tiny little girl with no clothes on. She looked right about two years old but she was very skinny. She was blue around the mouth and very near unconscious. I ran over and grabbed her out of the pile of ice and then ran away from the man. I can vividly remember - like it was real - how cold her little body felt. I had to hold tight to her head or it would fall back like a new born baby. I grabbed a blanket and just held her close to me with the blanket around her. After a while she whimpered, "I'm cold." I said to her, "Mommy will make you better." That's all I remember of the dream, but sometime later in the night I had another dream and she was with me in the dream. This time she was dressed warmly and smiling and running a long beside me while I was trying to get to a meeting.
I've just been thinking all day about this little girl...wondering if she is out there somewhere and needs me.
All right - I know this is a melancholy post. I just felt the need to write it down.
I dreamed that I was somewhere and I saw a man - an evil man - who was standing beside a pile of ice. In that pile of ice laid a tiny little girl with no clothes on. She looked right about two years old but she was very skinny. She was blue around the mouth and very near unconscious. I ran over and grabbed her out of the pile of ice and then ran away from the man. I can vividly remember - like it was real - how cold her little body felt. I had to hold tight to her head or it would fall back like a new born baby. I grabbed a blanket and just held her close to me with the blanket around her. After a while she whimpered, "I'm cold." I said to her, "Mommy will make you better." That's all I remember of the dream, but sometime later in the night I had another dream and she was with me in the dream. This time she was dressed warmly and smiling and running a long beside me while I was trying to get to a meeting.
I've just been thinking all day about this little girl...wondering if she is out there somewhere and needs me.
All right - I know this is a melancholy post. I just felt the need to write it down.
conversation from yesterday
Hope - "Mommy, where were you born?"
Me - "Lufkin - where PaPa and Grammy live."
Hope - "Well you don't look like you were born in Lufkin!"
Me - "Where do I look like I was born?"
Hope - "Africa or something"
Me - "Lufkin - where PaPa and Grammy live."
Hope - "Well you don't look like you were born in Lufkin!"
Me - "Where do I look like I was born?"
Hope - "Africa or something"
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