my sweet husband's birthday

Today is Blake's birthday. I used to write him these sappy, long letters on special days, but then I'd always get my feelings hurt because I could tell he would get bored of reading before he was even through the letter. Hahaha! So I thought I would share a funny story from our past in honor of this special day. I remember when we first let each other know that we "liked" each other. We were junior counselors at a children's' camp. During one of the combined sessions he slipped me a letter as he passed by my chair. I got through the first line and my heart stopped. Oh no! What have I gotten myself into? Later that evening my two good friends Kacie and Leah, and I were talking under one of the pavilions. I started crying and told them I could NOT be Blake's girlfriend. They said, "WHY?!" Gulping through tears, I said, "Just look at what he wrote!" They grabbed it from my hand and started reading it. I asked, "Well, didn't you see it - it was on the first line!?" They looked at me all confused, looked back at the letter, and read, "To the prettiest lady in the world." I gasped and grabbed it from their hand and looked at it again "OHHH!!" I started laughing through my tears, "I thought it said to the prettiest LEGS in the world!" I was so relieved that I could still like him - there was no way I was going to like a boy that talked about my legs in the first letter he ever wrote me! So, I guess on this day as I think back on this story I have to thank my friends Kacie and Leah for interpreting Blake's handwriting for me - if it weren't for them I may not have ended up being here today to share Blake's 26th birthday.

Easter Candy

My kids got a bunch of Easter candy. We gave away the hard candy and kept the chocolate. They got a bunch of these recees penutbutter things that are shaped like long eggs - they are soooo good. I don't even want to think of how many I ate. They are gone now - and I think Camden ate one and I ate the rest. I can't decide whether I'm glad or depressed they are gone.

Penutbutter?

Yesterday was Good Friday. We talked with the kids in the morning about what Good Friday stands for. At night, when I was putting Hope to bed, I talked about it with her again. I explained that when we do bad stuff or say bad stuff that it makes our hearts dark and seperates us from being close to God, but that when we ask for His forgiveness and ask Him to be Lord of our life forever then he washes our heart clean with the blood that he shed on the cross. After that, I started singing a song like I always do when I am putting her to bed. She interrupted my song and asked me, "Mommy, Mommy does my heart get dark when I eat penutbutter?" Uhmm, no.

Return

We went back home this past week. We spent a few days in our hometown and then I spent a few days with my parents and sister. Going back home is always a "blogging" expirience somehow or another. I grew up in East Texas. I had a close group of friends and was close to my family and seemed to always know exactly who I was and exactly where I was going. I remember the summer after fifth grade, I was praying one night in my bed and I felt the Lord ask me very clearly, "You need to decide right here, right now how you are going to live your next several years - are you going to let me lead you or are you not?" And I did decide - I told the Lord I was going to let Him lead me, that I wasn't going to do things my way - that I wanted to follow his path for my life. I look back on that night as one of the most incredible moments of my life. I believe God drew me to himself on that night. That he put a hedge of protection around me, that he gave me a desire for the things of God, and a discerning spirit above the norm for an eleven year old girl. I also went to Mexico that summer and met a missionary's wife that still today I think about when wrestling with who I am..... which brings me to my point. I feel like I am at a loss to who I am anymore. As a teen, I was so confident in who I was. I had a small group of wonderful friends, a calling from the Lord in my heart and passion and excitement for what was ahead in my life. Today I still have some amazing friends and an absolutely fabulous husband and kids. I love my role as a stay at home, homeschool mom and wife. But...... here I am 27 years old and I feel like I don't know who I really am anymore (apart from mom and wife). When God brought us to the church we're at now, he clearly told us that this would be a place he would build our character - sounds good, right? However, sometimes its painful. As a teenager, God surrounded me with loving, mentoring people that allowed me to use the gifts God has given me. They prayed for me, encouraged me, taught me, and praised me. Now I am at a place that really doesn't care what I did when I was seventeen and if I want to do anything ministry- wise, I have to work for it. Go to classes, meet with "important" people, prove myself responsible and spiritual. All good things, but all very hard for my pride. After trying a few things in the church that either ended in near disaster or just ended naturally I have surrendered. I say it is because I don't want to put my children in the nursery for hours a week while I go through all the steps to "becoming a leader" - I mean isn't that why I did all the trainings and ministry as a teenager and went to Bible college so that I could actually minister when I was an adult - do I really have to start over and prove myself to a new group of people..... as I go on in my mind and now in this blog, my motives of just wanting to be the best mom start looking like just a big old huge pride issue. Its not just the ministry part though, its the social part too. For the first time in my life, I am stressed about how much I weigh, I feel insecure sitting by myself at church, I am sure people are purposely refusing to look at me when they pass by, I can actually remember what people wore the next day! I have NEVER been like that. Yesterday morning at my mom's I got ready for the day, took a last look in the mirror and started to leave when I remembered, "Oh, I have to go by the church on my way home today!" I looked at myself in the mirror again and thought, "What was I thinking? I look frightful!" All of sudden I thought of that missionary wife - the one that I wanted to model my life after and I realized how far I've gone from who I really am on the deep inside. The "me" God made me to be. I made myself NOT plug in my CHI, not put on more make up and instead walk out of that bathroom and determine to begin to find that girl again. The girl who wanted to know God more than what was going to happen on CSI that night, the girl that would rather be singing Jesus songs with children of all colors in a old run down trailer park than shopping or relaxing, the girl that was willing to give up anything and everything to know that I was exactly where God wanted me to be. I feel lost because I am. I don't like where I am right now. I don't want to raise my children as this new self-absorbed person I've become. I want to be Mrs Shirley Ladd who in 100 degree heat in Mexico shone with such beauty because of her deep love for God and the people that God had called her to serve. Her beauty came from a surrendered heart that was satisfied not in her outward self and certainly not in her easy circumstances but in the peace and overflowing joy that came from being in that perfect place of God's will. There is a God's will in the physical - and ours is Gateway for now and there is a God's will in the heart and I have wandered far, I fear..... but God is calling me back. I hear him singing a love song right where I left Him and I yearn to return to Him, to my first love. Nothing satisfies my heart but HIm.

Friend?

My dad played this song for me that he downloaded. Its a country song by Tracy Lawrence called Find Out Who Your Friends Are. My dad is one of those people that this song talks about. He will be there in a second for ANYONE: friend or foe if they need anything. He does have such a BIG HEART. This song actually makes me feel convicted and inspired. I have pulled back from many friendships in the past seven years since I've been married and had children. As soon as I start feeling "drained" in any way by a friendship, I stop answering my phone when they call, I'm not quite so friendly when I see them, I avoid any "deep" conversation when I am with them. I want my energy, my time, my heart to go almost completely to my family. But.... if I'm completely honest..... I am also selfish and oh..I hate to admit it but lazy. I want time every day to relax, to sleep in until 8, to read or watch tv, to have quiet time. If I take care of my family, my house, homeschool, bills and finances, and all the other odd and end stuff PLUS be willing to drop everything at anytime to talk on the phone with a friend, babysit their kids, cook a meal for them when they're sick, help them paint a room, drive them to an appointments when their car is broke down...... I'll have to be willing to give up that "me" time. I don't want to do this....... but this song inspires me. When I stop and think about the legacy I want to leave, how I want people to remember me suddenly I'm not so worried about my "free" time. I want my friends to know that they can call me and I'll "jump in my car." It might be with the kids in the back..... but I'd do it without giving it a second thought.

Check it out!
http://www.cmt.com/videos/tracy-lawrence/160946/find-out-who-your-friends-are.jhtml

Subtle Predjudice

Not long ago, I watched a movie about William Wilberforce. (Amazing Grace was the name of it) He spent his life working to abolish slave trade. It really got me thinking about what my "cause" is? Is there anything I feel so passionately about that I'ld be willing to give up my life for? I'm not talking martyrdom - I'm talking day to day life: blood, sweat, and tears. I have always known only Christians. Besides purposely putting myself in situations for the sole purpose of evangelizing and then walking away (community Bible clubs, door to door witenessing), I have never had friendships or relationships with non-Christians. Because of this, I've never had to defend my faith. For matters outside my belief in Jesus Christ, I have either not felt strongly one way or another or I have kept my opinions to myself for the most part. There is a matter that I have grown to feel that God has been stirring in my heart for the past couple of years and that is the more subtle predjudice between the races that is still alive today. Last night, Blake and I watched a movie called Something New. It is about an African American professional woman who falls in love with the "white" man who is crazy about her despite her strong opinions NOT to have a relationship with a man outside her race. Besides the two prolonged make out scenes a and weird, seductive, interpretive dance thing we fast-forwarded through, I loved the movie just liked I loved Guess Who, Facing the Giants and any other movie that is about rising above the fears and predjudices we have about different races and truly loving people for who they are (you know like on the inside -something we church people talk about, but don't know how to do) I have been wrestling with my own thoughts down to the deepest, darkest ones in my heart. My main problem is that I have no nor have ever had a good African American friend. How can I really know that I have rid myself of all predjudice and truly come to love ALL races if I've never even really gotten to know anyone but Caucasion and Hispanic people? One fear I have is one that is shown in this movie. Brian the "white" guy, in his pursuit to truly understand African-American people and prove that he does not have a "problem" with them, offends them....often. That's my concern for myself and a reason I really wish I had a good African-American friend that loved me despite my ignorance and was willing to guide me into being a person free of predjudices and a person that all races felt totally comfortable around. The woman in the movied talks about something she calls "black tax" which means she has to work double hard to prove herself at work because she is black. I would say she has triple tax because I bet ya there's still a "woman tax" out there in the professional world too. I felt awful hearing them talk about that... its not a feel good thing to think about. I wonder why God has not let me stop thinking about these issues over the past two years? Blake and I have talked about adopting one day from another country - maybe we will eventually adopt a baby from Africa. Or maybe one of my children will marry outside their race and God is preparing my heart now to receive that person with a completly open and loving heart. Or maybe this is just something he is trying to work in all his people's hearts so that the church can be united in a way that the world will look up and notice and turn to God because of His equal love for ALL people. Do you know what God did to Miriam in Exodus when she spoke against Moses marrying an Etheopian woman - he struck her with leporsy. And only because of the prayers of Moses on her behalf did He heal her. When I see a couple that is two different races, I admit, I'm tempted to stare, but not for the reason many do. This is what I think, "Now there is someone that has risen above predjudice and been willing to see a person for who they really are." I'm curious to see how those people respond to each other and how other respond to them. Are we really as different as some people think? Maybe. But does that mean we can't have meaningful friendships/relationships with each other. I do not think so. The only reason or at least the main reason it is difficult for these relationships is because of what they have to put up with from people who are set in their ways and are not willing to work through their fears and/or pride and see the inward AND outward beauty of all people. I have a long way to go, I'm sure, and there are many other areas that I know God wants to work in, in my heart, but I am beginning to feel "passionate" about this topic and wanted to share my thoughts.

little stinker!

When we put Hope to bed at nap time or at night, she always, without fails asks us to check on her. Well this afternoon I had the following conversation with her:

Me: Ok, Hope come get in your bed. Its nap time.
Hope: Can I play AND take a nap?
Me: No, you need to stay in your bed under your covers and go to sleep.
Hope: Mommy, don't come check on me today, ok?

Hmmmm... little stinker