New Years Resolutions

1. Lose 10 pounds. I gained ten pounds a little over two years ago the three months that the kids and I lived with my in-laws while our house was being built. Just thinking about that last month living in Lufkin, makes me want to down a dozen doughnuts on the spot. Maybe I just need deliverance.

2. Write one song a month. This one is a joint resolution with Blake. Even if they are so bad, we will never sing/play them for anyone else - we're gonna do it!

3. Not get pregnant - this is actually an on-going life-long resolution

something about me you might not know

It makes me want to gag when the weather people on the news say the air is "soupy" when they are talking about the humidity. Ughh. Shudder

Sassy and Smarty

This morning I was putting sheets on the bed and Hope came in and said, "Why did you not bring me water last night like I asked?" I said to her, "When Daddy checked on you, you were already asleep so I decided not to bring you any." She said, "Well, I could have woke up and been thirsty." I said, "Ok, I'll remember that next time." Then she said to me, "Well you need to learn your manners." I said, "Well you need to watch your mouth." (while I tried my best not to laugh)

We were in the bathroom at the library and Hope came out of her stall and let out a loud burp. I looked at her sternly and said, "Hope!" She said, "What, you didn't know young ladies could burp?" (no comment from me as I again...tried my best not to laugh)

On the way home in the car this afternoon I was teaching the kids what groups of animals were called: fish - school, cows - herd, birds - flock, ect.... and then I was asking them what baby animals were called: cats - kittens, sheep -lambs, bears - cubs ect... and then I said, "What do you think a baby snake is called?" Hope said, "A snakelet" I said, "What do you think, Camden?" He said, "A hissy?" I can't decide which is my favorite....

poor Santa Clause

Tonight on the way home from church I was listening to the kids talk in the backseat about Christmas. Hope said something about Santa Clause and Camden said, "Mommy told me that Santa Clause lived a long time ago but then he died." Hope said, "He died? Why?" Camden said, "Cuz he was old." Then with a real sad, quiet voice Hope said, "Oh, poor Santa Clause."

UGHHH!!

On Saturday Blake and Camden were playing soccer in our living/dining room. Camden slid into the piano and he sliced his toe on one of the pedals. Blake hollered for me and when I came down and saw it, it looked like his toe was literally hanging off. Luckily my in-laws were here for the weekend and they pretty much took over. They decided that they didn't think that a Dr. would be able to sew it up because of it being on the inside of his toe. We didn't really have to worry about a scar - who cares if you have a scar on your toe? Plus we knew the whole hospital/stitches route would be very traumatic. They got the bleeding to stop, taped it shut and then taped his toe to his big toe to protect it. He cried and screamed alot - probably more from how it looked than how it felt. My father-in-law said that while he was working on it that he saw the bone. Camden has a soccer game this Saturday and we are trying to keep him calm so that it will heal by then. This picture was taken yesterday - 48 hours after it happened.





Most of the day I could tell that Hope was pretty shook up by the whole thing, but we were so wrapped up with Camden that neither of us really took the time to talk to her about it. So when I put her to bed I laid down with her and she immediately started tearing up and talking about Camden's toe. We talked about for about 5 minutes her asking questions about whether his toe was broken, whether he was hurting, if he would ever be able to walk again. I patiently answered all her questions but after awhile I started getting the feeling she was milking this so that I would stay. She was still sniffing and her lip was still quivering but I told her it was time to go to sleep now. She started crying a little harder and said, "But, But, But.....I really don't want Obama to win."

dream

The kids and I were eating breakfast this morning and I asked them if they had dreamed anything last night. Hope said, "I did, I dreamed about Daddy." I said, "What was it about?" She said, "I dreamed he went on a hunt......and a deer killed him. I saw Daddy running and then the deer chased him and ate him." I asked her, "Were you sad?" She looked at me with this appalled look and said, "Of course I was."

maturity

Several months ago, I called my mom in need of someone to boost my self-esteem. I had been ignored by the popular girls. Seriously these women cannot help being well-liked. They are beautiful, funny, outgoing....its just amazing, really. My mom, as only a mom can do outlined all my strengths and attributes right out for me there on the phone. Then she told me a story that I had never heard. When she was my age and a mother of three children under three, she and my dad joined a church. The women at the church were about to go on a women's conference and my dad wanted her to go. "You need a break", he said. "But I don't know anyone, " she said. "All the more reason to go," said my "everyone I meet is immediately my best friend" dad. She went, reluctantly, but she went. On the way down to the conference the group of women stopped at a fast food restaurant for dinner. As luck would have it, my mom ended up the first one with her food so she had the awkward task of deciding which table to sit at. She finally just picked one, sat down, and held her breath. The next lady to get her food sat down a couple tables away from her and then....one by one the other ladies joined the second lady until no one was left. Everyone together....except for my mom. She ate her entire meal sitting completely alone. I was so angry when she told me that. (not her goal in telling me this story, I'm sure) Though she didn't give me any names, I was I was pretty darn sure I could name a few. In fact, I think I'll email them and invite them to read my blog. (Not really ) I got off the phone with her with my heart now hurting for my mom rather that for myself. I began to pray and really listen for what God wanted to talk to me about in this situation. These are some things I took away from my talk with the Lord and they are things that I am trying instill deep in my heart and let pour out into my life.

Number 1. I should be 100% ok with sitting all by myself in a crowded room. If I am sure of who I am in Christ, then no matter what happens around me - it doesn't change who I know I am or God's purpose for me. This will overflow into other areas as well: like when I am criticized or praised, shunned or lathered with attention. What others say about me or how others treat me should not increase or decrease how I look at myself. The Lord's opinion of me is all that should really matter.

Number 2. When my mind is on myself, then I miss being able to be used by God to reach out to someone else. The day I felt left out - did I look around for someone else that felt the same way? No....I didn't. I was to absorbed in myself. How many other women might have left that day feeling the same way? Maybe only one other, but if I had been in-tune with the Lord, I might have walked out with a new friend and a much better attitude.

Number 3. And what about the times I've been on the other side of this story? How many times have I been so wrapped up in my life and my friends that I've missed opportunities to bless someone? How many times have I left someone at a table by themselves?

My mom and grandma have both told me that the older I get the less I will worry what other people think of me. This is good news to me! I had a lady tell me recently about the group of women she oversees in her ministry. She told me that the women that are over 50 are so much more pleasant to work with. They come in do their job with a cheerful attitude and then they go home. The younger women are DRAMA. Someone is always offended, or mad, or on some obvious self-promoting quest. As she was talking to me about this, I began to have a huge desire well up inside of me. I don't want to wait until I am 50 to know who I am and be confident enough to not let things offend me or hurt my feelings. I want to be Christ-like. Someone who serves, who blesses others, who loves the unlovely. I want to make my life count for things that matter. I want to grow up now and not waste the the next twenty years worried about what people think about me. How amazing would that kind of life be? I don't think that a life lived for someone besides myself will leave any regrets....but a life spent fretting over who likes me and who doesn't......no thank you! I know it in my heart....now I just need to live it!

older brother say it to ya straight

Preface: Camden went on a ride with Blake at Disney World that scared him pretty bad. It had a really fast/long drop. The ride was Expedition Everest. He said the first drop hurt his stomach like a one and the big dropped hurt his stomach like a 101. Sounds serious, huh? I wouldn't let Blake take him on anymore big rides after that.

Fast forward two weeks: Hope makes up songs all the time. Sunday night on the way to AWANAS she was singing a song about how she would not be afraid at AWANAS because she never had to be afraid because Jesus was always with her. After about two minutes of signing about not being afraid, Camden said to her, "Well, I'll tell you one thing: If you go on Expedition Everest you'll be as freaked out as a bunny."

Granny

My great-grandmother passed away this morning. I am trying to process a lot of thoughts right now, but the feeling I keep having above all is gratitude. Not many people ever meet their great-grandmother much less have her around for twenty-seven years of their life. When I was little she was the Granny that came at Christmas, made yummy food, and just made Christmas even more fun. She rode in an innertube behind the boat with me when I was nine and she was 73. When I got a little older she was my pen pal faithfully responding to every letter I wrote to her about what was going on in my pre-teen world. She cooked dinner for us every Thursday night for the year she lived in the same town as us. She told us story after story enriching our lives as we learned about generations before us and the lives they lived. She is a lady that I heard on several occasions praying out loud beside her bed at night. She loved her friends and family fiercely and had a joyful and peaceful disposition despite the tragedies and losses that she experienced in her life. She was an amazing woman that left a legacy that I am proud to walk in and hope to leave for my own children and grandchildren one day. A legacy of strength, inner and outer beauty, loyalty, and selfless love. She will be truly missed and dearly remembered.

Disney World

We had a REALLY great trip. We left early Sunday morning (the 21st). We spent the day swimming at our resort and at downtown disney shopping and eating. Monday we went to Magic Kingdom. Tuesday we went to Epcot. Wednesday we went to Animal Kingdom. Thursday we went to Hollywood Studios, and Friday we went to another resort for breakfast, downtown Disney again, back to our resort to play on the playground and an early dinner and then flew out that night. We touched down at DFW about 8:30 pm.

A few things:

1. Crocs are awesome!! As ugly as they are my feet NEVER hurt. Even after 14 hours in the park my feet felt great. They were worth every penny even if I never wear them again!
2. 95% of everyone that works at Disney is extremely sweet especially to the kids. I think it would be awesome if the whole world treated kids like they mattered as much as they do at Disney.
3. The magical express is awesome. They picked us up at the airport and took us to our hotel. Two hours later, they knock on our door and deliver our bags. Every day they have busses that come by every 15 minutes or less for each of the 4 parks, 2 waterparks, and downtown Disney. We never had to rent a car, pay for parking, worry about finding a parking space, or waste energy on walking from the parking lot to the park. Oh, and the last day we checked in our luggage at the hotel during check out and when it was time to go to the airport all we had to do was go through security and sure enough there it was on the belt at DFW. I was in awe!!!
4. The dining plan rocks!! We are family that does not go out to eat very often. The kids and I go to ChickFilet once a week with friends and as a family we go to the Donut Shop, Sonic, or have pizza two or three times a month and then go out nicer: Chilis, Cheddars, ect. once a month and we share meals. So for the dining plan.....we paid about $85.00 a day ahead of time and got 20 Table Service Meals, 20 Counter Service Meals, and 20 Snacks. The counter and table service meals included a drink, entree, and dessert. The only thing we had to pay was tip for the table service meals. We felt like we were SOOOOO splurging. We would split two counter meals at breakfast (for instance that would be two big egg, ham and cheese crossiants, 2 giant cinnamon rolls and 2 big milks), split two counter meals at lunch ( for instance 2 good size personal pizzas, 2 giant cookies, and 2 drinks) and then we'd have a big dinner. Most of our table service meals were buffet - all you can eat. When you added it up we would have spent way over $85 if we had eaten that much NOT on the dining plan. We ended up with a ton of snack credits on the last day because we were just never hungry between meals - we were always afraid that we would ruin the next meal if we ate a snack and then after a buffet dinner there was no way we could stuff in a snack!! Even with all the walking in the parks, I gained 2 lbs on this trip! On the last day we went to a bakery/candy store and used up all our snacks credits to bring goodies home in our suitcases.
5. Animal Kingdom and Epcot were our favorite parks
6. Magic Kingdom was fun and did make you feel like you were in some type of "magical" place but it rained the last 6 of the 13 hours we were in the park. It puts a little damper on your day when you are walking around in a plastic poncho sticking to you and wet pants from where you've sat on the wet curb waiting out the never ending rain storm!!!
7.Hollywood Studios is a good place to end on. There is not as much to do and there are a lot of shows so you do a lot of sitting and watching. It was good for us because we did it on our last day so we were all a little tired and Hope and I had colds that we had gotten the day before. Oh, and our favorite things was at this park. Its a new ride Toy Story Mania. Its the one thing that I REALLY wanted to do again, but the line was 70 minutes!!
8. Fastpass is genius! All the popular rides have fastpass. You go to the ride, put in your cards (everyone has their own card) and it gives you a time to come back and ride with a minimal wait. You can get one every two hours. So you go get your fast pass, then go do a bunch of rides that don't have long waits and then at the appointed time come back and get on the popular ride in like 5 minutes - when the wait time in the regular line could be over an hour. We worked it pretty good and never waited any more than 20 minutes for any ride. Every ride told you how long the wait was. It always over-estimated. That was VERY helpful for someone like me - that likes to have everything scheduled and planned ahead of time! I loved it!
9. I think the best part was just being able to focus on having fun with my kids. I didn't have to worry about dishes, laundry, straightening, cleaning, or school work. It was just about having fun and being together. I REALLY needed that and I'm sure it was good for the kids too.
10. When it was time to leave Blake and I realized how blessed we were that although our vacation was awesome that coming home was awesome too. We love our life. Blake enjoys his job. I enjoy homeschooling the kids and taking care of our home. Everyday that we are together is fun. We are very blessed.

Am I sad or happy?

Something big happened tonight.....Hope said a word with a "R" correctly for the first time. We took the kids to the park tonight and I was sitting on a bench watching Hope ride her bike. At one point she sailed past me crazy fast and when she stopped I asked, "Was that scary?" And she said, "Vewy ScaRy!" I said, "WHAT?!" And she said, "Vewy ScaRy." I said, "Say 'scary' and she said, "scaRy." On the way home, Blake and I got her to say several "R" words and she said her R correctly about 50% of the time. I'm glad to know that she won't be a big kid one day that still can't say their R's. But I am sad that in several months I will probably never hear all those cute "r" words anymore. My three favorites that I LOVE to hear her say: Yes sir, Burger, and Cinderella's Slippers. SO CUTE!! I WILL NOT get baby fever, I WILL NOT get baby fever, I WILL NOT get baby fever!!!

Marrying Young

Its good for a marriage to think back to your first weeks/months of marriage...to remember where you've come from. But when you got married at 18 and 19, looking back fills you with a sense of gratitude that you survived. I'm not talking marriage survival....I'm talking actual survival......living to tell about it. I decided to blog about some of the funny stories of our first year starting with our honeymoon. Now in thinking about our honeymoon you must know that we were not old enough to rent a car so flying anywhere was not an option. However Blake's parents did graciously say that they would let us stay in their time-share condo in Cancun. When we asked if we were old enough to stay at the resort, their reply was, "Oh, we would go too." Oh yes! Fabulous idea. I could just imagine driving off from the wedding with our parents in the backseat or wait....would we be in the backseat. Needless to say we decided to stay within driving distance. After we left the wedding we had to go back to Blake's house (i.e.. his parents house) to switch cars because when your friends are between the ages of 16-20 they "decorate" your car until its illegal to drive down the road much less across several counties. But anyway we were sitting in the front seat of the second car and before driving off Blake leaned over to kiss me and *ahem* break one or two of our dating rules (I might add that I made a ridiculous amount of rules early on in our boyfriend/girlfriend relationship that we stuck to like glue until our wedding day. Like the freckle two inches above my knee that I told him God put there so he would know as far up as he was allowed to touch before he married me. Yep...two inches above the knee. "We" also decided we would only kiss once a month but I was afraid we might have an accidental kiss on occasion so I'd only let him kiss me once every two months just in case..... Yes, I am afraid to say this is all very true..... And yes, I will be tattooing a freckle on Hope's leg around the age of 12.) But anyway...back to breaking a couple of rules in his driveway...... suddenly I gasped, he turned around and there was his uncle's very perky 40 something girlfriend waving enthusiastically and smiling hugely with her face smashed up to the window holding a big plate of wedding cake. Blake sheepishly rolled down the window and before he could open his mouth what's her name (can't remember because she and Blake's uncle broke up right after that and I haven't seen her since.) began to gush about how there was so much wedding cake left and she decided to hurry some over to us before we left. What an angel!!!! We decided to leave the driveway after quickly accepting our cake!

So our first stop on our honeymoon was a condo at Sam Rayburn with mirror ceilings in the bedroom. Oh yes, you read it right. Mirror ceilings. The bedroom was on the bottom floor and the stairs were in the bedroom that lead up to the top floor. On the second night, we kept hearing noises upstairs. I was scared! Finally Blake got up, grabbed his pocket knife and began to creep upstairs. Watching my man/boy husband headed off to protect me, I just remember thinking that I really wanted my Daddy. Our second part of our honeymoon was a bed and breakfast in Hot Springs. Upon arrival, I decided I didn't like the smell and cried my eyes out telling Blake that I did not want to stay and would he PLEASE go ask the lady if we could have our money back so that we could leave. He did exactly that, bless his dear heart and then had to come back and tell me that no we couldn't have our money back but that he did have a plan. Hiccuping and sniffing I asked him what his plan was. He said, "I'm going to hold you while you take a nap and when you wake up you tell me what you want to do. If you want to leave, we'll leave right then and not worry one bit about the money. I tearfully agreed and fell asleep in his arms while he watched Cool Runnings on TV. I woke up two hours later much happier and from that moment on, I can't remember ever feeling like I really wished I was with my Daddy instead. He was my new hero. (Daddy, if you read this you will always be my hero too!)

Well, we finished our honeymoon and a few days later we were headed back home for Christmas. The first night we stayed in his bedroom at his parents. We knew it would be weird but it was Christmas Eve and we wanted it to be romantic so we lit candles. Several minutes into our "first Christmas Eve...with candles" there's a knock at the door and his mom says she needs to come in to get the pies out of the the fridge. You have to go through Blake's room to get to the laundry room where they keep an extra fridge. Upon entering, she decides to turn and talk to us about the dangers of sleeping with candles lit, and how breathing in the fumes for a long period of time could be fatal. I have no idea how Blake responded. I was too busy with my head buried in his back thinking that I was going to die of embarrassment.

Back home at CFNI, we managed to somehow adjust to not living in single dorms anymore. HA HA HA HA HA. There were several times we would sit down for the 11:00 service and then after discussing it between ourselves announce to our friends that we were going to clock out and go home to take a nap instead of staying through the service, to which our single friends would holler out as we exited the IB, "We hate you, do you know that, we hate you!" Yeah, that was fun.....again proof of our age.....but fun still the same. Ok. One more story. The next Christmas right around our one year anniversary we decided to get a Christmas tree for our apartment. I had to have a real tree so we went to WalMart to find a tree small enough to fit in the trunk of our Kia Sephia. We found the perfect one and got it out to the car and NO WAY would that thing fit in our trunk. But lo and behold my manly husband had brought a rope to tie it to the roof. After some deep thinking he said, "Roll down all the windows." So we went around to all 4 windows and rolled them down. (They were manual of course.) Then my amazing husband started tying that tree to that car like you wouldn't believe. Through one window and over the top, through the next and over the top, on and on until he had that thing so secure it would not be going anywhere! And I thought he was so hot! Then we went to jump in but.....we could not open our doors. What the heck......OHHHH..........the doors are tied shut with the rope. I thought it was hilarious and began to laugh but poor Blake, his ego was shot. We eventually did get that tree home and I'm pretty sure I helped him repair his ego as well.

I could probably think of many other stories. I might have to do a part two sometime but for now I'll just say that we survived. God gave us wisdom when we needed it, lots of grace for ourselves and each other, an amazing love that continues to grow stronger and to this day we still have moments we know that .....eventually "we'll look back on and laugh."

silly girl

Just now, Hope was downstairs having a snack of cheerios and milk before bed. She hollered up to me, "Mommy, I need some more milk for my cheerios." I could see as I was going downstairs that she had about five soggy cheerios sitting on the bottom of her bowl. She had her face real close to her bowl when I heard her say to her five remaining cheerios, "Ahhh You little cuties."

Can't wait to tell Blake!

This morning I was ironing clothes for church and the kids were downstairs eating breakfast. (Blake was already at church) I heard the kids start to fight and then Hope burst out crying. Camden ran upstairs and into my room to report that it was not his fault. I said, "Camden I would just like for you guys to be kind to each other this morning and not fight. I want to get my heart ready to worship the Lord this morning at church and can't do that when I am angry." Then Camden said, "Well Mommy, that is just not going to change. You know how Daddy is meaner in the mornings? Well so are me and Hopie. We just can't help it." I was just so happy he said Daddy was meaner in the mornings and not Mommy!

time change

I finally corrected the time clock on my blog. All the times on my previous blogs have been wrong. My mom picked that up pretty quick when she saw that I had blogged at 7AM. She knew there must be a mistake! I have to add that all my times were changed to the correct times from my previous posts. Cool!!

Memories.......

The summer that I was fifteen and Blake was fourteen several of us from our youth group at church went to a kids camp to be junior counselors. I "liked" Blake and he "liked" me. Though we knew the other one liked the other one and we talked often, we had yet to actually talk to each other about our mutual "attraction" haha. He talked about it with our friends that were boys and I talked about it to our friends that were girls and then they talked to each other and brought back word. Wow! I think we were a little old for that even at 14 and 15 but...anyway. One night I handed him a note before evening service as my campers walked past his campers that said, "I am getting tired of talking through Ben, Leah, and Kacie are you?" Later he handed me the note back and it said, "Yes, so now what???" And that was twelve years ago today.....

Truth: I am not perfect

Blake and I attended a marriage conference this weekend with Dr. Gary Smalley and Dr.Greg Smalley. It was really good. It was mainly focused on helping yourself become spiritually and emotionally healthy. If two spiritually and emotionally healthy people are married, chances are their marriage will be healthy. Last night they talked about how we all have "buttons." There are certain things that people do that just really get to us and cause consistent reactions. These "buttons" are connected to specific fears that we have and these fears usually come from lies that we have believed and have allowed to become part of our heart, part of our core and our hearts determine our thoughts, words, and actions. We were encouraged to try to discover what our "buttons" are and what our reactions are when those buttons are pushed.
After the last session was over, we went to pick up the kids from their classes. We were the third couple in line at Hope's class and Blake and I were just watching her color and look sweet while we waited for our turn at the door. About that time, one of the children's workers came down the hall and asked all of us to move ourselves against the wall instead of out in the middle of the hallway where we were blocking the flow of people traffic. Well, immediately, I get mad at this woman. I start thinking about how she thinks she is so important because she works for the children's department and gets to boss people around and look smart. Then I "listen" to my thinking and realize.....hmmm I think I'm noticing a "button" here. The button is that I DO NOT like to be told that I am doing something wrong. I've always hated that. I have always tried VERY, VERY hard to always do everything exactly right so that I am never corrected. When I am corrected my reaction is always: anger. Anger at the person that corrected me. I can go back in my mind to quite possibly every time I have ever been corrected all the way back to the second grade and I still have bad feelings thinking about those moment and still feel anger towards the person that corrected me. I wish to this day that I could go back and change each of those times so that I would have done the perfect thing and not had to have been corrected. I asked the Lord on the way home, "What belief do I need to change in my heart so that I can be free of this?" I felt like that he showed me that I need to realize that I am not always going to be perfect. Sometimes I will make mistakes because I still have a sinful nature and I will sin and sometimes I will just make mistakes out of ignorance or bad judgement. Like the line last night.... I wasn't sinning, I was just oblivious to the fact that I was holding up traffic. The lady pointed it out to us to help and that should have been the end of it. There was no reason for me to be angry at the lady and no reason to wish that I could have stood in line perfectly against the wall so that I wouldn't have had to be corrected. It was what it was and now I know. I know its going to take time. It took time to develop the belief that I needed to be perfect all the time and it will take time to let this new belief take root and grow, that mistakes happen and its OK!! The Smalleys told us that only the Lord and His Word can uproot belief systems that have been growing in our hearts since we were children. They told us to find a scripture that speaks truth to us on our specific fears and memorize and meditate on it every day. So I need to find a scripture!
I was tested in this area again today. After the conference was over today at noon, the kids and I went and ate lunch and then picked something up for Blake to take back to him at the church. When I got close to the church I saw that there was a fire truck in the turn lane in front of the church. There must have been a wrecked car right in front of it. There was a police car behind the fire truck. It was halfway in the turn lane and halfway in the first lane. I saw that the firetruck was a little way past the turn in at the church so I went ahead and pulled in to the turn lane to turn into the church. I knew that I would probably be parallel to the police car when I got close enough to turn. Well when I got up close to the police car he turned the front of his car towards me. I wondered if he did that because he didn't want me to move forward or was he just trying to get more in the turn lane and out of the road. So I just watched him to see if he would look at me and point me back to the lanes to go around or if he would motion that I could go. Well he didn't look back at me at all. I saw that the cars coming the other way were about to all clear and I would be able to turn and since the police officer was ignoring me, I figured I was fine and pulled up parallel to him so I could turn. (I hope this is making some type of sense.) Well when I did that the officer threw his door open jumped out and screamed, "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING??!!" I think my jaw hit the floor and I just kind of pointed at the church and mouthed, I need to get to the church. Then with his face as red as a tomato and all his veins popping from his head, face, and throat he yelled, "GO AROUND!!!" and pointed me back to the far lane. As quick as I could, (I think I was about to pass out) I maneuvered between his car and the fire truck to get back to the far lane. About that time the firetruck and the tow truck that I could now see in front were needing to get out of the turn lane and back onto the road, but they couldn't because I was in the first lane now because the officer forced me out of the turn lane and the traffic was car to car in the far lane. So now I had the fire truck and tow truck drivers glaring at me because I was blocking them from getting on to the road and I don't even WANT to know what the furious officer was doing at that point. I was mortified!!! My kids were yelling from the back seat, "What is wrong with that police officer, Mommy? Why is he yelling at you? What did you do? Call Daddy!!" I have made this commitment to try to give my kids a good attitude towards police officers so I tried to tell them that he was just trying to keep us safe and that obviously Mommy wasn't doing a safe thing and he was worried about us and that he probably had, had a bad morning because it is really hot outside. However, I wanted to tell them that he was a woman hating jerk!! Then once again I felt the Lord remind me......"You made a mistake." Now you know what to do next time. No big deal - just go on." I said in my heart, "But, God he shouldn't have screamed at me. Convict him for being so mean. He was mean, right, God?" I heard him say, "He is not your problem. Your reaction is your problem. Let yourself make mistakes, forgive yourself, and go on.
God is so good for not letting us stay where we are, isn't he? This is the life abundantly that he talks about in His Word. Abundance is not material possessions. It is freedom. Freedom from sin. Freedom from anger, bitterness, self-hatred. It is love. Love for ourselves, our families, our spouses, the world.....and police officers.

WHAT?!

The worship tour has been cancelled. Blake will NOT be going away for 17 days.

I will survive!

The Lord has done a work in my heart over the past several days. He and my husband remind me a lot of each other at times. They let me have my little hissy fit, pout a couple of days, and then when I realize that its not doing me any good, they are still there.... waiting for me and not holding it against me.

Part of the worship team at church is going on tour at the end of July for 17 days, and they asked Blake to go with them as their sound guy. Honestly, who can blame them.... he's pretty great to have around... but I was not pleased. I have whined, begged, and gave dissertations that would have won over any jury as to why I do not think he should be away from us for that long. Anyway after a few days of all my talking and trying and pleading, the answer was the same: "I've got to go - its my job." Well, I'm not exactly sure what my final response was something along the lines of "If there is an accident while you're on this trip and you die then I will never speak to you again and for the record I don't want anyone from the tech. or worship department coming to the funeral. (From time to time I have a tendency to be a tad dramatic, although it really never does me any good thanks to having a very laid back man as my husband.) Not too long after this final conversation I thought about my best friend from Junior High and High School who has seen her husband off to special training military schools where he comes back with cracked ribs and broken thumbs, and has sent him away to Iraq where he comes back with emotional wounds only the Lord can heal, and I know in my head that I am being a baby. Because Blake and I started "going together" at 14 and 15 and got married four years later, I never had a time in my life where I had only God. I have never had to depend on him and him alone. I feel like the Lord has began to stir in me almost a feeling of anticipation for Blake's upcoming trip. I will have to depend on the Lord to give me strength in the evenings when I'm used to Blake giving me a hour or two break from the kids. I will have to depend on the Lord to be my comfort when the house creaks and I think I hear things downstairs. I will have to depend on the Lord to hold me in his arms when any other time it would be Blake. I will not just endure those 17 days, I will grow stronger because of them, I will learn to depend more on the Lord and enjoy his companionship.

You see my Mama Bear claws?!

This morning when I picked up Camden from his class at church, he told me with his eyes all watering up that he hadn't gotten his prize. I went back up to the door and told them that he didn't get his prize. They asked him, "Did you say your memory verse?" He shook his head no. They said, "Do you want to come back in and try again?" He nodded his head that he did. He went in and about a minute later came back out with tears running down his cheeks. He told me that he couldn't remember the whole verse so he didn't get a prize. I picked him up and he buried his head in my neck, crying his eyes out. I carried him out to the van, and when we got out there Blake said, "Do you realize you just carried him out the church, up the stairs, and across the parking lot?" (with heels I might add!) At home, there are times he wants me to carry him up the stairs (he's almost six) and I tell him there is no way I can carry you up those stairs. You're too big. But this morning it didn't phase me a bit. I just felt so bad for my baby and so mad at those "mean" women in his class. I do not want to be the mommy who is always complaining about every little thing, but you can be sure I will be calling this week and asking what next week's memory verse will be so that I can practice with him all week. My poor little guy - those mean mean women!!!

I have a big boy

I just registered Camden for soccer in the fall. I know almost every kid is in sports, but this seems like a big deal to me.

My Dad

Today is Father's Day so I wanted to share a special memory I have of my Daddy. When I was in fourth grade, I went through a real emotional time. I think its pretty common for girls that age. I remember being scared and/or upset almost everyday. I remember crying a lot. On one night in particular, I was talking to my mom, in tears of course, about how upset I was. I went into my room still inconsolable and knew that my mom could not take much more of my crying and anxiety, but I could NOT get a hold of myself. My dad came in and got me and took me into the den and rocked me in the rocking chair until I fell asleep. Hours later, I awoke in the middle of the night still in my dad's lap. He was sound asleep. I remember that being a turning point for me. Something about that sacrifice of love he made for me that night, helped me through that stage. I'm sure I still had my moments, but I know I was much better after that night. I know he has made many other sacrifices for me over the years, most of which I have no idea. I am so grateful for him, and know that I am incredibly blessed to have him for my dad.

Every moment is a learning opportunity for us all.

This afternoon I had the TV on and they showed this rock-singer girl - I don't know her name - with pink hair. Hope said, "That's crazy. She has pink hair!" Camden asked, "How did she grow pink hair?" I said, "It didn't grow that way. She colored it." He said, "Looks like we have a cheater." I'm not exactly sure what he meant by that, but I got a good laugh anyway.

Dear God, give me mercy!!!!

Two weeks ago, Camden came down with some flu-like bug. He had fever for five days, was very lethargic and the last three days had this upper nasal congestion thing going on. Then for five days everyone was good and then Hope came down with it. Like Camden, it lasted for five days. The day Hope started feeling better, Blake came down with it and has been sick for five days... By the time Blake got sick I was nurtured out. Bless his heart, he's gotten no sympathy out of me. Also something about taking care of the kids, cooking, cleaning house, running errands, paying bills, ect.... while he lays on the couch can be quite frustrating....sick or not, especially when in the back...or more realistically the front of my mind, I know full well that if I catch this thing.... I will STILL be taking care of the kids, cooking, cleaning house, running errands, paying bills, ect... can't call in sick when you're the mom. So all I can do is pray I don't catch this thing.

right brain/left brain

The kids and I went to the library this morning. I told them to each pick two books out. I went to the other side to pick out a couple for me, and after a couple of minutes met back up with them. Camden's two books were: 1. Electricity and 2 Chemistry. Hope's were: 1. Art and 2. Ballet. I thought this was very interesting! On the way home Camden was looking through his electricity book and suddenly he hollered out, "OH MY this book tells me how to make electricity. YEAH BABY!!" A couple hours later, I was reading Hope her ballet book. Camden was sitting with us and couple of times he commented, "This book is so gross", yet he never got up. He listened to the whole thing. haha

Happy Mother's Day - Mom

I have had one of those days today... you know those days when everything makes you get all teary eyed. I think its just thinking about being a mom and thinking about you - MY mom. Stopping the day to day chaos and remembering how blessed I am. I can't imagine what my life would be like without you. Sometimes I can't even wait for you to get off work, I have to call and leave a message on your cell phone! You are still my number one sounding board. I greatly dislike talking on the phone for the most part - yet I think I could talk to you an hour every day. Its frustrating to me how I forget who I am sometimes. I get caught up in life and shallow existence and I talk to you and suddenly I remember who I am. I am motivated to live an extraordinary life and to stop just existing. You fought for me when I was too young to fight for myself, you really listened to my hopes and dreams and encouraged me to go after the passions God placed in my hear, and you have never, never stopped believing that God will allow me to be apart of something incredible one day.

Someone told me one time that they liked how I could say so much without saying anything at all. I was beyond thrilled to hear that - I got that from you. I know sometimes you wonder if you should have said more, but I want you to know you "say" more than you think you say. Kyle, Miranda, and I have always known where you stood and that no matter what you were on our side. I also know that you have ministered to countless people with your quiet spirit. Don't ever think that your impact is small - its not its bigger that you can imagine. Your reward will be great and of this I am certain.

It funny how it becomes difficult to be a daughter as you get older. As I realize the huge emotions that go into being a mommy and consider what the future holds as my kids get older my heart hurts for you. You have gone through so much and never given up. You love like God. I want good things for you. I want to see your dreams fulfilled. I pray for you: for peace, for joy, for your feet to be steadfast so that no matter how long it takes for life to get easy you'll be free of worry and full of purpose, full of life, and full of God. I love you. Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

Happy Mother's Day - Grandma

If there was a best Grandmother award, my grandma would win it. I have SO many wonderful memories with her that I could write a book. One of things I always loved was for her to tell me stories. When I would spend a week with her in the summers she would tell me stories every night. She made categories for her stories: stories from when she was a girl, stories of when Mom and her brother were kids, stories about when she taught special ed., stories that took place in one of the other countries she lived in. I could pick which category I wanted and she would think of a story from that time. I loved it and have begun telling my kids some of those stories. I think my favorite story is the one she tells about holding me for the first time after I was born. She says that she knew from the very first moment that she held me that we would be very close. I love that story because it let me know that she loved me just as much as I loved her. Nick at Night, Shopping, eating at the mall on the third floor, having ice cream bars in bed, talking long after the lights went out - all favorite moments of mine that I consider precious gifts, treasures that I think about often and will always remember. I love you Grandma - Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day - Flo

Today it was over 90 degrees so we took our first trip to the pool. Since Blake would be there, I decided it would be a great time to just lay out and read. I had already read my book from the library so I ran upstairs and grabbed a parenting book off the shelf that I was pretty sure I hadn't read yet. When I opened it at the pool, some papers fell out. I opened it up and it was an outline my mother-in-law had written for a parenting class she would be teaching. It was dated April 1998. Blake was 16. I read through it, reading about her love for her sons, her desire to be the best mom she could be, and her beliefs and strategies on raising Godly kids. How neat to find that on Mother's Day. One thing that she put on the outline was that she hoped that when her kids would grown that they would remember the things she had done right and not the things she did wrong. Well, speaking for myself - being married to one of her sons - I say she did a pretty darn good job!!

As I was thinking about Flo today, I was thinking about how different she is from me. I have heard friends say that they just feel defeated compared to their mother-in-law. They say they could just never compete with near perfection. But you know I don't feel that way. I know that she has characteristics that I will never have and thats ok with me. I am just so grateful that she is part of my life and part of my kids life. Camden and Hope's mommy will probably never drive them around on the four wheeler or dig for worms in the yard, but their Grammy will. And I know when they get too big for worms, chuck E cheese, and practicing baseball in the driveway that Grammy will still be just as involved. I know that she prays for our kids and desires to do her part in whatever way possible to teach them about Jesus AND to teach them to love life. Life is always an adventure when Grammy is around. And you know its not just the kids that think that..... I look forward to my time with "Grammy" too. Happy Mother's Day Flo!!!!!

Happy Mother's Day - Me!

Blake usually works second weekends, but because of him having to work some special services during this past week, he was able to be off this weekend. So he proclaimed this Mother's Day Weekend - so I get two days! We had a fun day. We had donuts at the donut shop, got me a bike (so scary - I haven't ridden in 13 years!!!) went to the park, went to the pool, went to church, and then went out to eat at a place that I went to once with some friends a couple of months ago. They have good chicken enchiladas and coke with crushed ice ( you know the important things!!) . I just got back from a walk (with just me, the ipod playing Hillsong United Worship, and God) and now I am blogging while Blake puts the kids to bed. Tomorrow Blake is making waffles for breakfast and hamburgers and homemade ice cream for dinner. I am SOOOO spoiled!

But I also wanted to blog about what God did for me today on Mother's Day weekend. Tonight at church after the first song a special guest worship leader took over. RITA SPRINGER!!! Now let me tell you why this was my special Mother's Day gift from God. My first born, my gorgeous blue eyed boy, Camden was conceived and born while Blake and I were attending Christ for the Nations. From the start (and I mean five days after I found out I was pregnant!) this little boy has been a challenge. Nothing has worked on my pride, lack of patience, selfishness, anger management, and critical nature like my ball of curious energy and very talkative male child! When I was about 20 something weeks pregnant with him, Rita Springer came to the school to lead worship for chapel. Never had I felt such anointing flowing from a worship leader. The presence of God was thick - you know like when you don't know if you should sing with all your heart and throw your hands in the air or fall on your face in complete and reverent silence. As I listened to her and just allowed myself to feel God, I heard him speak to my heart and tell me to place my hands on myself and pray for that same anointing that was on Rita Springer. I said to the Lord, "Did I hear that right - I don't feel led nor am I gifted at leading worship?" I felt God say, "This is not for you. Its for your son." So I placed my hands on my belly and prayed with all of my heart that my son would receive an anointing from God - an anointing comparable to Rita Springer's. For the rest of the pregnancy I listened to my Rita Springer CD over and over and over. I would sit in the rocking chair in his nursery with my hands on my belly listening to Rita Springer and praying over my son. Having a son like Camden is beyond anything I could imagine. It is such a roller coaster. He keeps me on my toes every minute. Sometimes I think he and I were put in the same family to learn how to be warriors in battle. I've said before he has the parts of Blake that drive me crazy and the parts of myself that drive me crazy. However, just this past week, the Lord totally got in my face about my relationship with Camden. He just held a mirror up to my face - and said - "What are you doing???" You've become a grouch teacher/disciplinarian - where did Camden's mommy go? I was so upset with what I saw and pleaded with God to forgive me and help me to change. And then today..... when Rita Springer got up on that stage.... I remembered Camden is not just the biggest challenge in my life. He is anointed by God and was placed in my womb and in my life because God wanted to use me to help fulfill His incredible plan for His child. Camden belongs to the Lord. I am just his Mommy here on earth whose job is to love him and train him and pray for him, and to teach him about the love of the Lord. I suddenly saw myself and my little boy in the big picture, and I was brought to tears. Tears of gratitude that God chose me to raise this little boy and to love him. As I walked around our neighborhood tonight, I just meditated on how God is such a loving Father. He disciplined me and then he gave me a gift - a gift of love that said, "You ARE good enough - I chose you and its not too late to start over, I forgive you and I WILL pour grace out on you because I love you.

three thoughts from yesterday.....

#1 - I thought of another "Davis" word - this one is used by Camden - "awesomely" for instance:
" Mommy, this food is awesomely good."
"Mommy come look at this bug outside. Its awesomely."

#2 - I had a very exciting thing happen yesterday. I have to preface by saying that gradually my vacuum cleaner has become harder and harder to push. I vacuum upstairs on Mondays and downstairs on Tuesdays and I have come to dread it - especially Mondays because there are five rooms plus a hallway. For the past few weeks it has gotten to the point that I can only do one room an hour and by the end of the day my right hand is bright red and my right arm, shoulder, and neck are aching. That's how hard it is to push. Well....yesterday, I begin my Monday vacuuming in our room and notice their is this long string coming from the bottom of the vacuum so I turn it off and flip it over to pull it out and OH MY GOSH the bottom of my vacuum is atrocious!! Its like this huge mess of hair and carpet fuzz just pouring out of the bottom. So I sit myself on the floor and spend the next twenty minutes cleaning out the bottom of the vacuum. I get back up to finish the room and the vacuum glides well...."awesomley". I could vacuum the whole house now if I wanted to. My life just got much more enjoyable!

#3 - I'd like to describe a scenario that has happened at our house on more than one occasion. Maybe someone can tell me I'm not the only one that has had this happen or at the very least maybe my confessing my shame will help me to have more self control. So here's the scenario:

I am at the grocery store with the kids. Suddenly I spot something I just can't walk away from: ice cream sandwiches, little Debbies, chocolate covered graham crackers, ect. I reach for it and toss it quickly into the basket. My kids start to jump up and down, "Thank you, Mommy, Thank you Mommy!" Well about three days later something reminds them of the delicious treat and they ask, "Mommy can I have one of those______ that you bought at the store." For which I have to reply, "I'm sorry they are all gone." They look at me in shock and ALWAYS ask, "Who ate them all?" That's when the truth hits me. The kids never got any. Blake never even knew they were there. I ate the whole stinkin' box ALL BY MYSELF. AGHHHHH!!!!! I evade the question with this reply, "We'll get some more next time we go to the store, ok?"

funny things

I need to write down all the funny words my kids say on a regular basis.... so I'll remember them. I wish I had been better about this all along. Camden had some really adorable "word-substitutes" when he was little. Here a few that they use right now.


1."Sposed to" instead of used to. (Camden) "I sposed to have a bruise on my leg." instead of I "used to" (now I'm wondering if "used to" is even really a correct phrase)
2. "Ring-bell" instead of door bell
3. "Blow-nex" (Hope) instead of Kleenex
4. "Rest over" This is a snack in between meals. It came from me asking them if they need something to "hold them over" until dinner. Now they just tell me they need a "rest over." I've adopted this one - I call snacks "rest overs" now too without even thinking about it.

I know there is a lot more -- I'll have to keep adding on as I think of things.

results

Well, my post on the moms board finally made it to the second page which means it probably won't be brought up again. I had 843 views and about 25 comments. I spent our homeschool day doing school for about 20-30 minutes and then running in to check if anyone else had commented. It was a nerve-wracking day because I HATE to upset people and I HATE for people to be upset with me even more. I was just afraid I would get a mean reply and then be upset for days or weeks..... but the replies were almost ALL positive. I really only got two "not so nice" replies. Most of the replies said something along the lines, "Words are not necessary - just let your words, your attitude be an example and that will open up doors." The most interesting thing that came of it was a lady that I respect a lot from the message board made a comment that she understood what I said, but that her views differed from mine on hell. I honestly HATE (gosh I'm using that word alot!) what I believe about hell and the possibility that I might be wrong.... well that definitely piqued my curiosity. I sent her a private message asking her to tell me what she believed about hell and scripture she backed it up with. She sent me a little over three pages of her beliefs with ALOT of scripture. To sum it up she believes that all those who are dead are just "resting" now, and that after the judgement those who have not accepted Christ will be thrown into hell.... but not to forever burn.... but until consumed. How long it takes you to consume depends on the life you lived here on the earth. You know, I would really like to believe this. I have asked some people to look over this paper and I am studying up on it.... I don't want to believe things just because that's what I've always "heard". I want to believe them because they are the TRUTH. The problem is that the English Bible is hard to really interpret unless you know what all the words mean in Greek/Hebrew. Like this lady told me that this certain verse that says they will burn forever...... that the word forever if you go back to the original meaning means: until consumed. Also she showed me a vs. in Malachi that says that the wicked will be "ashes" under the soles of our feet. She uses that vs. to help back up her belief that the "wicked" will not continue to burn and burn and burn. Now for me, if I had been reading in Malachi in the Old Testament it wouldn't cross my mind to think of it talking about after the Judgement. I feel very ignorant - but that's why I am asking for help from other people. If anyone is interested in reading the information, as well, let me know and I'll email it to you.

side note

for those that read the below post: I just have to add that MY kids DO eat fast food. (sshhh don't tell anyone_

out of my comfort zone

I frequent a moms message board. I don't post often - just read a lot, but late tonight after I was already in bed I decided to get up and post and I am hoping and praying I did the right thing. I prayed, "God please show me if I need to do this or not?" I started feeling kind of shaky which usually means God wants me to do something that is hard for me or it could mean that I am very emotional and am about to do something I'll probably regret. It was a toss up - but I went with it and posted. I decided to post it on here too and will update everyone on the replies I get. I titled the post "A thought provoking question for Christian mommies" but I am sure that others will open it that are not Christians. For the most part this a pretty liberal group of women. (by the way my name on this board is stina - gotta remain anonymous you know!)_Ok here's what I put:





Fellow Mommies who love Jesus,
I wanted to know if there are any other mommies on this board that have pondered this, or would like to respond to my thoughts. It is something I have debated asking on here for awhile but was apprehensive about the repercussions it might cause. There are topics that come up with the moms on this board that cause so much passion - such as the forward facing car seat issue thats been going on recently, others off hand include - solid foods too early, CIO debates, breastfeeding, just to name a few. Women say that they can't help but be vocal about these issues because they know how vital they are for childrens health and/or safety. And you know.... none of these things keep me up at night. I don't lay in bed at night worrying about Ovusoft moms that are doing things that don't line up with the AAP. But what does just pierce my heart and is making my hands shake so hard right now that I can hardly type is the fact that so many moms that love their children so much and are trying to keep them safe in every possible way - do not believe in Jesus Christ and are not teaching their children about Jesus Christ. Jesus has changed my life - I can feel Him, I can sense Him, he has taken away fear from me so many times, provided for me in miraculous ways, given me direction that could have only come from Him that lead to deliverance or opportunities for me in many areas of my life. Its not that I've just decided to believe the Bible - its that I have experienced him for myself and know without a shadow of a doubt that He is real and because of that I believe His Word - I believe that if you reach the age of accountability and do not surrender your life to Jesus Christ you will be separated from Him when you die and abide in the torment of hell forever. And because of this my heart is so heavy for children all over this world. There is a statistic, not sure what it is, but if you do not receive Christ before the age of 16 your chances of turning to him later on drop very significantly. We can breastfeed, answer their every cry, not let them eat fast food, make sure their car seats are always buckled in properly but..... if we don't teach them about Jesus Christ wow ........ how much more "risky" is that - eternally risky. Moms on here have said, they can't help but not speak out about what they feel is so important to children yet I have stayed quiet so so many times when it would have been on topic to share my belief of Jesus Christ and salvation. Is it because its not politically correct to talk about one "religion" being the only way and I don't want to offend? Is it because often times outspoken Christians seem to push people away from the Lord rather than drawing them to Him? Is it because I won't let myself stop and think about how absolutely life and death important this issue is? Its not just on this board - its in real life too. What should we as Christians do? Keep quiet and pray and hope that our life is "light" enough to reach people? Or be vocal and share our deep concern for the souls of everyone we come in contact with, knowing that we will be ridiculed and persecuted or even scarier push people even farther away from the truth. I couldn't sleep tonight asking myself these questions. So I got up to post this on here and on my blog. If any non-Christians opened up this post please know my heart - I feel the same away about my beliefs of Jesus Christ as many of you do about what you are passionate about. I don't want you to be angry. And Christian moms have you thought of this before - what do you think?
Thank you,
Stina

nevermind...

Well the strawberry farm is south of Arlington..... so nevermind. Considering we paid 3.34 for gas this morning - I'm considering not going anywhere that we can't walk!!! When will it stop going up? And groceries - is it just me or is something wrong with the calculators on those registers! Maybe I'll start growing produce in MY backyard and charging people in the neighborhood to come pick it. I'll get homegrown produce plus some extra income to buy gas so I can go to church once a week and pick up some bread, milk, and meat on the way home. OK, enough of that - I'll blog later about how the Lord convicted me of my whining and reminded me of how blessed we are...

strawberry picking

I got an email today about a local farm that lets you come pick your own strawberries. They sell for 2.50 a pound. Now if I am remembering right that's what they sell them for at WalMart. Now you know that WalMart bought them from the farmers for half that at the most - so I'm thinking these farmers are getting a pretty good deal. They are getting paid twice as much and they don't have to pick them or hire anyone to pick them. Well their brilliant idea worked for me, I think we're gonna go pick us some fresh strawberries!!!

The Triune God

We talk to the kids a lot about how they should take time to listen for God's voice. We let them know that He will speak in their hearts to guide them, to comfort them, to tell them that He loves them. Well awhile back, Camden told us that one night in his bed when he was praying that he heard God say his name. Then a few days ago he said that God talked to him two more times. He said, "So now God has talked to me 3 times." Then he said, "I really don't know if it was God talking or Jesus - I just couldn't tell." That lead to an explanation from me that amounted to more sputtering on my part than anything else. Its hard to explain something to a five year old when you really don't have it figured out for yourself.

my sweet husband's birthday

Today is Blake's birthday. I used to write him these sappy, long letters on special days, but then I'd always get my feelings hurt because I could tell he would get bored of reading before he was even through the letter. Hahaha! So I thought I would share a funny story from our past in honor of this special day. I remember when we first let each other know that we "liked" each other. We were junior counselors at a children's' camp. During one of the combined sessions he slipped me a letter as he passed by my chair. I got through the first line and my heart stopped. Oh no! What have I gotten myself into? Later that evening my two good friends Kacie and Leah, and I were talking under one of the pavilions. I started crying and told them I could NOT be Blake's girlfriend. They said, "WHY?!" Gulping through tears, I said, "Just look at what he wrote!" They grabbed it from my hand and started reading it. I asked, "Well, didn't you see it - it was on the first line!?" They looked at me all confused, looked back at the letter, and read, "To the prettiest lady in the world." I gasped and grabbed it from their hand and looked at it again "OHHH!!" I started laughing through my tears, "I thought it said to the prettiest LEGS in the world!" I was so relieved that I could still like him - there was no way I was going to like a boy that talked about my legs in the first letter he ever wrote me! So, I guess on this day as I think back on this story I have to thank my friends Kacie and Leah for interpreting Blake's handwriting for me - if it weren't for them I may not have ended up being here today to share Blake's 26th birthday.

Easter Candy

My kids got a bunch of Easter candy. We gave away the hard candy and kept the chocolate. They got a bunch of these recees penutbutter things that are shaped like long eggs - they are soooo good. I don't even want to think of how many I ate. They are gone now - and I think Camden ate one and I ate the rest. I can't decide whether I'm glad or depressed they are gone.

Penutbutter?

Yesterday was Good Friday. We talked with the kids in the morning about what Good Friday stands for. At night, when I was putting Hope to bed, I talked about it with her again. I explained that when we do bad stuff or say bad stuff that it makes our hearts dark and seperates us from being close to God, but that when we ask for His forgiveness and ask Him to be Lord of our life forever then he washes our heart clean with the blood that he shed on the cross. After that, I started singing a song like I always do when I am putting her to bed. She interrupted my song and asked me, "Mommy, Mommy does my heart get dark when I eat penutbutter?" Uhmm, no.

Return

We went back home this past week. We spent a few days in our hometown and then I spent a few days with my parents and sister. Going back home is always a "blogging" expirience somehow or another. I grew up in East Texas. I had a close group of friends and was close to my family and seemed to always know exactly who I was and exactly where I was going. I remember the summer after fifth grade, I was praying one night in my bed and I felt the Lord ask me very clearly, "You need to decide right here, right now how you are going to live your next several years - are you going to let me lead you or are you not?" And I did decide - I told the Lord I was going to let Him lead me, that I wasn't going to do things my way - that I wanted to follow his path for my life. I look back on that night as one of the most incredible moments of my life. I believe God drew me to himself on that night. That he put a hedge of protection around me, that he gave me a desire for the things of God, and a discerning spirit above the norm for an eleven year old girl. I also went to Mexico that summer and met a missionary's wife that still today I think about when wrestling with who I am..... which brings me to my point. I feel like I am at a loss to who I am anymore. As a teen, I was so confident in who I was. I had a small group of wonderful friends, a calling from the Lord in my heart and passion and excitement for what was ahead in my life. Today I still have some amazing friends and an absolutely fabulous husband and kids. I love my role as a stay at home, homeschool mom and wife. But...... here I am 27 years old and I feel like I don't know who I really am anymore (apart from mom and wife). When God brought us to the church we're at now, he clearly told us that this would be a place he would build our character - sounds good, right? However, sometimes its painful. As a teenager, God surrounded me with loving, mentoring people that allowed me to use the gifts God has given me. They prayed for me, encouraged me, taught me, and praised me. Now I am at a place that really doesn't care what I did when I was seventeen and if I want to do anything ministry- wise, I have to work for it. Go to classes, meet with "important" people, prove myself responsible and spiritual. All good things, but all very hard for my pride. After trying a few things in the church that either ended in near disaster or just ended naturally I have surrendered. I say it is because I don't want to put my children in the nursery for hours a week while I go through all the steps to "becoming a leader" - I mean isn't that why I did all the trainings and ministry as a teenager and went to Bible college so that I could actually minister when I was an adult - do I really have to start over and prove myself to a new group of people..... as I go on in my mind and now in this blog, my motives of just wanting to be the best mom start looking like just a big old huge pride issue. Its not just the ministry part though, its the social part too. For the first time in my life, I am stressed about how much I weigh, I feel insecure sitting by myself at church, I am sure people are purposely refusing to look at me when they pass by, I can actually remember what people wore the next day! I have NEVER been like that. Yesterday morning at my mom's I got ready for the day, took a last look in the mirror and started to leave when I remembered, "Oh, I have to go by the church on my way home today!" I looked at myself in the mirror again and thought, "What was I thinking? I look frightful!" All of sudden I thought of that missionary wife - the one that I wanted to model my life after and I realized how far I've gone from who I really am on the deep inside. The "me" God made me to be. I made myself NOT plug in my CHI, not put on more make up and instead walk out of that bathroom and determine to begin to find that girl again. The girl who wanted to know God more than what was going to happen on CSI that night, the girl that would rather be singing Jesus songs with children of all colors in a old run down trailer park than shopping or relaxing, the girl that was willing to give up anything and everything to know that I was exactly where God wanted me to be. I feel lost because I am. I don't like where I am right now. I don't want to raise my children as this new self-absorbed person I've become. I want to be Mrs Shirley Ladd who in 100 degree heat in Mexico shone with such beauty because of her deep love for God and the people that God had called her to serve. Her beauty came from a surrendered heart that was satisfied not in her outward self and certainly not in her easy circumstances but in the peace and overflowing joy that came from being in that perfect place of God's will. There is a God's will in the physical - and ours is Gateway for now and there is a God's will in the heart and I have wandered far, I fear..... but God is calling me back. I hear him singing a love song right where I left Him and I yearn to return to Him, to my first love. Nothing satisfies my heart but HIm.

Friend?

My dad played this song for me that he downloaded. Its a country song by Tracy Lawrence called Find Out Who Your Friends Are. My dad is one of those people that this song talks about. He will be there in a second for ANYONE: friend or foe if they need anything. He does have such a BIG HEART. This song actually makes me feel convicted and inspired. I have pulled back from many friendships in the past seven years since I've been married and had children. As soon as I start feeling "drained" in any way by a friendship, I stop answering my phone when they call, I'm not quite so friendly when I see them, I avoid any "deep" conversation when I am with them. I want my energy, my time, my heart to go almost completely to my family. But.... if I'm completely honest..... I am also selfish and oh..I hate to admit it but lazy. I want time every day to relax, to sleep in until 8, to read or watch tv, to have quiet time. If I take care of my family, my house, homeschool, bills and finances, and all the other odd and end stuff PLUS be willing to drop everything at anytime to talk on the phone with a friend, babysit their kids, cook a meal for them when they're sick, help them paint a room, drive them to an appointments when their car is broke down...... I'll have to be willing to give up that "me" time. I don't want to do this....... but this song inspires me. When I stop and think about the legacy I want to leave, how I want people to remember me suddenly I'm not so worried about my "free" time. I want my friends to know that they can call me and I'll "jump in my car." It might be with the kids in the back..... but I'd do it without giving it a second thought.

Check it out!
http://www.cmt.com/videos/tracy-lawrence/160946/find-out-who-your-friends-are.jhtml

Subtle Predjudice

Not long ago, I watched a movie about William Wilberforce. (Amazing Grace was the name of it) He spent his life working to abolish slave trade. It really got me thinking about what my "cause" is? Is there anything I feel so passionately about that I'ld be willing to give up my life for? I'm not talking martyrdom - I'm talking day to day life: blood, sweat, and tears. I have always known only Christians. Besides purposely putting myself in situations for the sole purpose of evangelizing and then walking away (community Bible clubs, door to door witenessing), I have never had friendships or relationships with non-Christians. Because of this, I've never had to defend my faith. For matters outside my belief in Jesus Christ, I have either not felt strongly one way or another or I have kept my opinions to myself for the most part. There is a matter that I have grown to feel that God has been stirring in my heart for the past couple of years and that is the more subtle predjudice between the races that is still alive today. Last night, Blake and I watched a movie called Something New. It is about an African American professional woman who falls in love with the "white" man who is crazy about her despite her strong opinions NOT to have a relationship with a man outside her race. Besides the two prolonged make out scenes a and weird, seductive, interpretive dance thing we fast-forwarded through, I loved the movie just liked I loved Guess Who, Facing the Giants and any other movie that is about rising above the fears and predjudices we have about different races and truly loving people for who they are (you know like on the inside -something we church people talk about, but don't know how to do) I have been wrestling with my own thoughts down to the deepest, darkest ones in my heart. My main problem is that I have no nor have ever had a good African American friend. How can I really know that I have rid myself of all predjudice and truly come to love ALL races if I've never even really gotten to know anyone but Caucasion and Hispanic people? One fear I have is one that is shown in this movie. Brian the "white" guy, in his pursuit to truly understand African-American people and prove that he does not have a "problem" with them, offends them....often. That's my concern for myself and a reason I really wish I had a good African-American friend that loved me despite my ignorance and was willing to guide me into being a person free of predjudices and a person that all races felt totally comfortable around. The woman in the movied talks about something she calls "black tax" which means she has to work double hard to prove herself at work because she is black. I would say she has triple tax because I bet ya there's still a "woman tax" out there in the professional world too. I felt awful hearing them talk about that... its not a feel good thing to think about. I wonder why God has not let me stop thinking about these issues over the past two years? Blake and I have talked about adopting one day from another country - maybe we will eventually adopt a baby from Africa. Or maybe one of my children will marry outside their race and God is preparing my heart now to receive that person with a completly open and loving heart. Or maybe this is just something he is trying to work in all his people's hearts so that the church can be united in a way that the world will look up and notice and turn to God because of His equal love for ALL people. Do you know what God did to Miriam in Exodus when she spoke against Moses marrying an Etheopian woman - he struck her with leporsy. And only because of the prayers of Moses on her behalf did He heal her. When I see a couple that is two different races, I admit, I'm tempted to stare, but not for the reason many do. This is what I think, "Now there is someone that has risen above predjudice and been willing to see a person for who they really are." I'm curious to see how those people respond to each other and how other respond to them. Are we really as different as some people think? Maybe. But does that mean we can't have meaningful friendships/relationships with each other. I do not think so. The only reason or at least the main reason it is difficult for these relationships is because of what they have to put up with from people who are set in their ways and are not willing to work through their fears and/or pride and see the inward AND outward beauty of all people. I have a long way to go, I'm sure, and there are many other areas that I know God wants to work in, in my heart, but I am beginning to feel "passionate" about this topic and wanted to share my thoughts.

little stinker!

When we put Hope to bed at nap time or at night, she always, without fails asks us to check on her. Well this afternoon I had the following conversation with her:

Me: Ok, Hope come get in your bed. Its nap time.
Hope: Can I play AND take a nap?
Me: No, you need to stay in your bed under your covers and go to sleep.
Hope: Mommy, don't come check on me today, ok?

Hmmmm... little stinker

gotta share

So....  I have this character flaw.  I have this huge need to laugh when people hurt themselves.  Tonight Blake was putting up a new ceiling fan in our family room.  He sent me out to the garage to get him a screw driver. While I was out there, I heard a loud crash from inside.  I ran in to find the step stool turned over, our coffee table turned over and Blake flat on his back squished between the coffee table and the big chair with his legs partially up in the air and a look of total shock on his face.  I couldn't even ask him if he was ok.  I just turned around and ran back out to the garage until I could control myself.  I went back into the house, but I couldn't look at him or talk to him because I knew I would burst out laughing.  I hope I never forget what he looked like laying there like that - anytime I need a good laugh, I'm going to drag that one out of the back of my mind.  He has a huge bruise on his leg and a nasty looking scrape on his arm.  Bless his heart. I was finally able to tell him a couple of minutes ago that I was sorry that he hurt himself and he said,  "No, you aren't.  You think its funny."  

We'll see

This is Just a Test!!!