Truth: I am not perfect

Blake and I attended a marriage conference this weekend with Dr. Gary Smalley and Dr.Greg Smalley. It was really good. It was mainly focused on helping yourself become spiritually and emotionally healthy. If two spiritually and emotionally healthy people are married, chances are their marriage will be healthy. Last night they talked about how we all have "buttons." There are certain things that people do that just really get to us and cause consistent reactions. These "buttons" are connected to specific fears that we have and these fears usually come from lies that we have believed and have allowed to become part of our heart, part of our core and our hearts determine our thoughts, words, and actions. We were encouraged to try to discover what our "buttons" are and what our reactions are when those buttons are pushed.
After the last session was over, we went to pick up the kids from their classes. We were the third couple in line at Hope's class and Blake and I were just watching her color and look sweet while we waited for our turn at the door. About that time, one of the children's workers came down the hall and asked all of us to move ourselves against the wall instead of out in the middle of the hallway where we were blocking the flow of people traffic. Well, immediately, I get mad at this woman. I start thinking about how she thinks she is so important because she works for the children's department and gets to boss people around and look smart. Then I "listen" to my thinking and realize.....hmmm I think I'm noticing a "button" here. The button is that I DO NOT like to be told that I am doing something wrong. I've always hated that. I have always tried VERY, VERY hard to always do everything exactly right so that I am never corrected. When I am corrected my reaction is always: anger. Anger at the person that corrected me. I can go back in my mind to quite possibly every time I have ever been corrected all the way back to the second grade and I still have bad feelings thinking about those moment and still feel anger towards the person that corrected me. I wish to this day that I could go back and change each of those times so that I would have done the perfect thing and not had to have been corrected. I asked the Lord on the way home, "What belief do I need to change in my heart so that I can be free of this?" I felt like that he showed me that I need to realize that I am not always going to be perfect. Sometimes I will make mistakes because I still have a sinful nature and I will sin and sometimes I will just make mistakes out of ignorance or bad judgement. Like the line last night.... I wasn't sinning, I was just oblivious to the fact that I was holding up traffic. The lady pointed it out to us to help and that should have been the end of it. There was no reason for me to be angry at the lady and no reason to wish that I could have stood in line perfectly against the wall so that I wouldn't have had to be corrected. It was what it was and now I know. I know its going to take time. It took time to develop the belief that I needed to be perfect all the time and it will take time to let this new belief take root and grow, that mistakes happen and its OK!! The Smalleys told us that only the Lord and His Word can uproot belief systems that have been growing in our hearts since we were children. They told us to find a scripture that speaks truth to us on our specific fears and memorize and meditate on it every day. So I need to find a scripture!
I was tested in this area again today. After the conference was over today at noon, the kids and I went and ate lunch and then picked something up for Blake to take back to him at the church. When I got close to the church I saw that there was a fire truck in the turn lane in front of the church. There must have been a wrecked car right in front of it. There was a police car behind the fire truck. It was halfway in the turn lane and halfway in the first lane. I saw that the firetruck was a little way past the turn in at the church so I went ahead and pulled in to the turn lane to turn into the church. I knew that I would probably be parallel to the police car when I got close enough to turn. Well when I got up close to the police car he turned the front of his car towards me. I wondered if he did that because he didn't want me to move forward or was he just trying to get more in the turn lane and out of the road. So I just watched him to see if he would look at me and point me back to the lanes to go around or if he would motion that I could go. Well he didn't look back at me at all. I saw that the cars coming the other way were about to all clear and I would be able to turn and since the police officer was ignoring me, I figured I was fine and pulled up parallel to him so I could turn. (I hope this is making some type of sense.) Well when I did that the officer threw his door open jumped out and screamed, "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING??!!" I think my jaw hit the floor and I just kind of pointed at the church and mouthed, I need to get to the church. Then with his face as red as a tomato and all his veins popping from his head, face, and throat he yelled, "GO AROUND!!!" and pointed me back to the far lane. As quick as I could, (I think I was about to pass out) I maneuvered between his car and the fire truck to get back to the far lane. About that time the firetruck and the tow truck that I could now see in front were needing to get out of the turn lane and back onto the road, but they couldn't because I was in the first lane now because the officer forced me out of the turn lane and the traffic was car to car in the far lane. So now I had the fire truck and tow truck drivers glaring at me because I was blocking them from getting on to the road and I don't even WANT to know what the furious officer was doing at that point. I was mortified!!! My kids were yelling from the back seat, "What is wrong with that police officer, Mommy? Why is he yelling at you? What did you do? Call Daddy!!" I have made this commitment to try to give my kids a good attitude towards police officers so I tried to tell them that he was just trying to keep us safe and that obviously Mommy wasn't doing a safe thing and he was worried about us and that he probably had, had a bad morning because it is really hot outside. However, I wanted to tell them that he was a woman hating jerk!! Then once again I felt the Lord remind me......"You made a mistake." Now you know what to do next time. No big deal - just go on." I said in my heart, "But, God he shouldn't have screamed at me. Convict him for being so mean. He was mean, right, God?" I heard him say, "He is not your problem. Your reaction is your problem. Let yourself make mistakes, forgive yourself, and go on.
God is so good for not letting us stay where we are, isn't he? This is the life abundantly that he talks about in His Word. Abundance is not material possessions. It is freedom. Freedom from sin. Freedom from anger, bitterness, self-hatred. It is love. Love for ourselves, our families, our spouses, the world.....and police officers.