The Creator of Romance

The kids and I watched The Nativity Story yesterday. I think we will watch it every Christmas season.

I was struck by the romance of the story of Joseph and Mary. God could have chosen Mary's mother to be with her during the birth and days leading up to it, or her Aunt Elizabeth, or an esteemed physician, but instead he chose a carpenter. A humble man who had already chosen Mary to be his bride, a man who had chosen to remain with her and protect her in this position of great honor and great difficult. He traveled with her many miles to Bethlehem caring for her, providing for her, making moment by moment sacrifices to ensure that she and the Messiah child were safe. They must have grown so close during this time. Both of them thrust into circumstances that were completely new to them. The Bible said that Joseph did not "know" Mary until after Jesus was born. To me, this makes it even more romantic. He was serving her, learning to love her, all while waiting for her. I guess we don't know for sure, but in the busyness of Bethlehem and being in a stable, he probably was the only one to help her during the labor and delivery of the baby Jesus. I think of how overwhelming the birthing process is to any new Daddy - but Joseph a man who had never "been" with a woman, and with no one but him to step in, became Mary's partner during her tremendous pain and delivery. He was there to catch the baby and place it in Mary's arms. What must he have felt as he watched Mary with the baby? I can only imagine the way their hearts must have been knit together at that moment.

In these days when romance is so shallow and selfish, I was reminded that God created romance and that love is a thing of great beauty. When we give of ourselves and seek the other person's good above our own we can create a romance that lasts forever and the story of it can be passed down for generations to come. I want to leave a legacy of romance - a romance with my God and a romance with the man He blessed me with in this life.

a dream

I had a last dream last night that has been heavy on my mind all day. I decided that I should "document" it just because it has effected me so much. You never know.....

I dreamed that I was somewhere and I saw a man - an evil man - who was standing beside a pile of ice. In that pile of ice laid a tiny little girl with no clothes on. She looked right about two years old but she was very skinny. She was blue around the mouth and very near unconscious. I ran over and grabbed her out of the pile of ice and then ran away from the man. I can vividly remember - like it was real - how cold her little body felt. I had to hold tight to her head or it would fall back like a new born baby. I grabbed a blanket and just held her close to me with the blanket around her. After a while she whimpered, "I'm cold." I said to her, "Mommy will make you better." That's all I remember of the dream, but sometime later in the night I had another dream and she was with me in the dream. This time she was dressed warmly and smiling and running a long beside me while I was trying to get to a meeting.

I've just been thinking all day about this little girl...wondering if she is out there somewhere and needs me.


All right - I know this is a melancholy post. I just felt the need to write it down.

conversation from yesterday

Hope - "Mommy, where were you born?"
Me - "Lufkin - where PaPa and Grammy live."
Hope - "Well you don't look like you were born in Lufkin!"
Me - "Where do I look like I was born?"
Hope - "Africa or something"

Thank you, Son.

Camden has a friend over today. I made oven pizzas for lunch. As they sat down to eat, Camden's friend said, "Did you make this from scratch?" "Uhmm, no," I replied. After a bit he said, "One time my mom made a pizza from scratch using soy cheese and fresh tomatoes. It was SOOO good." Then Camden looked up and said, "One time my mom made pizza from scratch too... and I didn't like it."

Anniversary (almost)

In two weeks, Blake and I will have been married for nine years. And I am SO in love with him!! I love how I feel when he walks into our house after work - I can't explain it - like chocolate, sunshine with a cool breeze, and a down comforter all wrapped up in one! I love how I feel when he holds me at night and prays in a barely audible voice until he or I fall asleep. I love that he checks on our kids every night before he comes to bed. I love that he is nothing like me yet we have so much in common. I love that he has this love affair with God that he can't contain. I love that he is the same person at home that he is at church. I love that he is reserved and because of that I know 100 times more about him than anyone on earth. I love that he never gets disappointed in me and hardly ever gets frustrated with me even though he has reason to daily! I love that he gets stressed out so rarely that when he does, it makes me giggle and then he laughs too. I love that he knows how to fix our computer, work our remote controls, and maneuver the antennae just right so that we can pick up two English speaking tv channels. I love that he is fine with the fact that he has to make sure my cell phone is charged or it would be dead all the time. I love that I fit perfect in his arms. I love that he (along with God) has given me the life I dreamed of as a girl.

That's a start, I guess....

On Wednesdays I make the kids clean their rooms because we have high school life group over here on Wednesday night. Camden had been working on his room for over an hour and had come out several times to talk to me about star wars, his knight toys, the story behind his superhero name...you know all that stuff that just CAN'T wait until his room is clean. The fifth time he came out of his room, I let out a big sigh and said, "Camden, you HAVE to get your room clean." He said, "I'm sorry." I said, "No, you're not. Sorry means that you wish you hadn't done it and that you're not planning on doing it again." Without even stopping to think for a second he said, "Well, Mommy, I'm trying to be sorry, ok."

hardy har har

We were in Kohls today and Hope said, "Look at that lady on that picture." We look up to see a huge picture of a lady with the biggest, frizziest hair I've ever seen. Blake says, "Look, Christina, your hair is in-style." Hilarious isn't he? yeah...

Like Mother, Like Daughter....

I hear Camden calling from the back of the house, "Hope, Hope!!, HOOOPPPEEE!!!! " I yell from the kitchen, "Hope! ANSWER YOUR BROTHER!!" To which she yells back, "But I know he wants to talk about Star Wars and I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT!!!!!"

Note to Self:

One day I'll miss my living room looking like this....

Awakening

I have been contemplating the future of our country the past few weeks. Wondering how I can remain alert, prayerful, and informed, without becoming fearful. I have discovered that I have trained myself to not think about the growing Godlessness of our nation to protect myself from panicking about what's ahead for my children and future grandchildren.

In History right now we are learning about the background behind patriotic songs. Today we learned about the song "AMERICA". I know I have read the second verse in the past, but it really touched me today as I read it to the kids and sang it with them afterwards. This is what it says:

Our Father's God, to Thee
Author of liberty
To Thee we sing,
Long may our land be bright,
With freedom's holy light;
Protect us by Thy might,
Great God, our King!


Several weeks ago I was praying for our nation. I prayed specifically that God would put His hand back on us as a nation and His blessing would flow once again. I felt Him ask me, "And if I did that, would I be recognized? Would they declare that I was the ONE that caused this nation to once again begin to prosper or would that honor go to another/others?" Oh, my I was pretty sure I knew the answer to His question and it grieved me. I am grieved that our Nation has forgotten that it is HIS freedom that is our light and only by HIS might will we be protected and that HE alone is the author of liberty. We have become so blind, prideful, ignorant, and hardened against the truth. How His heart must long for this nation to return to their father's God. I wonder if our only hope is for the blinded eyes to be open - the eyes His church and the leaders of our nation. I cry out for another Great Awakening! What will it take to wake us up, though? God, be merciful. Soften our hearts so that we turn to you and recognize our desperate need for your hand on our nation before even greater devastation completely destroys us.

Incredible Day

One of our greatest blessings here in Brownsville has been Chris and Donna Barnard. They have a boy and girl not much older than our's and then they have one in Jr. High, one in High School, and one that is 20. Its great because we have kids that have a lot of fun together but at the same time they have a wealth of wisdom from having three older ones. They are fun, encouraging, and REAL!!!! From the beginning Blake and I have said to each other, "I hope they don't decide we're too young to hang out with! We love being with them and look forward to continuing to get to know them. Today they took us to Port Mansfield on their boat. We fished and caught catfish, crabs, and some other stuff, played on beautiful white sand and clear turquoise water, hung over the boat and tried to touch dolphins, ate each other's picnic lunches and talked and laughed a ton. I kept thinking today that "this is better than Disney World!" I feel like today was a blessing straight from the Lord...one that he has been waiting and anticipating giving us. I am so grateful.

Here is a picture of us trying to spot the dolphins and get close to them.



Here is a picture of my hand as I hung over the boat trying to touch the dolphins. I never succeeded,but I was still overwhelmed by this amazing experience.




I have been off the boat now for five hours, but I still feel like I am rocking. Hope keeps telling me she feels weird....I think she is feeling the same thing. We are all burned and tired, but it was SO worth it! These are the memories I will have forever...the look of delight on Hope's face all day long, Camden racing up sand dunes and catching hermit crabs, Blake in his usual quiet way savoring every moment and making sure that the kids and I were all enjoying ourselves, for me... standing up and holding on with all my might as the boat flew across the water getting completely drenched with salt water, seeing sting rays, pregnant crabs, and dolphins inches away, and overflowing with gratitude AGAIN to God for bringing us here.

Have I said Thank You?

One week ago, if you had asked me whether or not I had strict parents, I would have given you a resounding "yes!" I could give you a list of things that I was not allowed to do that drove me batty. Like walk to the mailbox in my socks, or eat my fast food in the car, or watch anything more than a G rated movie when I was 14! But I had a conversation with a friend last week that gave me a completely different perspective about my "strict" parents.

This friend of mine has some amazingly wise insight on parenting with grace. She has talked to me about it on at least three occasions. I have been praying and contemplating how I can incorporate her "teaching" into my own parenting. This past conversation, however, made me think, not of my own parenting, but rather, about how I was parented. She talked about how important it is to NOT have a set idea of how each of your high school and college age children should go about entering adult life. She said that it is common and popular belief by most all parents that a child should graduate from high school with a diploma, immediately enter into college, graduate with at least a Bachelor's degree and then go on to their career. Where is it written that this is the only plan God has for every young person? She has five children and her desire is to encourage them to do exactly what God is leading them to do. She said that she does not care if others look down on her because her child is not doing what the world expects of them. Her only desire is to see her child lead the life they were born to live.

When she said that she didn't care what others thought, I began to think of my Mom and Dad....They let me drive all around Angelina County months after getting my drivers license with three other teens in my car teaching Bible clubs, often in the bad part of town. They let me skip out on some of my home school work in 10th and 11th grade to pursue other things that I was passionate about. They let me graduate one year early and get my GED and go two hours away to a University when I was seventeen. After one year at college they helped make a way for me to come back for a year and teach first grade at a small Christian school. As college graduate Baptists, they were behind me all the way as I left the next year to attend an uncredited Charismatic Bible College. They gave me their blessing when I got married when I was nineteen to a boy that was eighteen!

How could I for a second, not believe that my mom and dad parented me with more grace than I can ever imagine. I am in a place in my life right now that is a dream come true, and I am humbled to realize that I would have never gotten here if they had not let me live my high school and college years "outside the box." They trusted the Lord with my life and didn't allow what others thought to cause them to parent me any differently than what their convictions and love for me lead them to do. I hope and pray that I will bless my children the same way. My desire for them is that they do not miss ONE thing that God has for them because of my own ideas of what I think is best for them. God, help me follow in my parents footsteps and be for my children what my parents were for me. They have always believed in me, always prayed for me, always listened to me, and always made me want to be everything God wanted me to be - nothing more and nothing less. Thank you Mom and Dad. I love you!

Lets Get on the Same Page Little People!!!

First day of school!!! I am inspired, organized, energized, excited, and animated. Just like any elementary teacher should be. I call my two little students to the living room for our first subject: Bible!! As I stand there with my big smile and bright eyes my two "angels" come dragging into the living room. Their shoulders slumped, their lips turned downward, and their eyes just barely visible slits. They drop on the couch like a couple of blobs of goop. I think to myself, "Keep it together, Christina. Your excitement is contagious!" I declare exuberantly, "Stand to your feet and let's sing." And in my best teacher singing voice I start...I've got joy down in my heart. Deep deep down in my heart." I'm smiley, doing motions, singing loudly...and there my kids still sit sprawled on the couch looking at me like I've lost my mind and like they would rather see me hit by a bus than standing there doing my Broadway act for them. I finish the song feeling more ridiculous by the second. I have this momentary fantasy of climbing back in my bed, turning on the TV and telling the kids to catch the next school bus that drives by. But I shake it off and start pleading with the Lord for mercy and wisdom. Three hours, five subjects, and a dozen spankings later we finished our first day of home school. We eat lunch, I put on a movie for the kids, and I crawl back in bed.
Two hours later I have enough motivation built back up to return a call to a good friend who had called me during school. She has had a lot of home school experience - so I tell her about my day and she tells me something wonderful.....that this is NORMAL!! Ahhh, nothing she could have said would have been more encouraging! She explains that when kids go off to school that it is something new...a new teacher, new kids, new class, but when you home school they are in the same house they have been in all summer with the same mom they have had all summer. All summer they have had no schedule and no school work. They have more or less done what they wanted when they wanted to. So although as a mom we are thrilled with a new beginning...our kids are not necessarily feeling the same way. Our goal is to persevere...lay down the law so to speak! And know that they will get used to it, and in a couple of weeks or maybe less if we're lucky we won't be fighting tooth and nail...but there will be harmony and learning and discovery and wonder!! Yes! That is what we will have! Until then I am praying for greater creativity, out of the box thinking, discipline to be a consistent disciplinarian, and a ton of patience!!

Things I miss about DFW

1. My house, My house, My house. Oh how I miss my house. I try hard not to think about it.
2. More tv channels. Our antennae picked up about 15 channels while we lived in the Dallas/Fort Worth area. Here it will only pick up two English-speaking channels. Its NBC and CBS but they show different things here than they did in DFW. Not liking that so much.
3.A computer. Blake is having to use our home computer in his office so we do not have a computer at home. I am SO ready for him to get a work computer so we can have our computer back.
4.A neighborhood to walk in with nice sidewalks. We don't really live in a neighborhood and I don't feel particularly safe walking around where we live. I REALLY miss our neighborhood and I'm sure my heart misses getting a cardio workout.

Things I love about Brownsville

1. It takes Blake 5 minutes to get to work and back. That gives us approximately 3.5 extra hours with him a week than we had before.
2. Blake gets like one work phone call a week when he is at home. This is compared to like 10 a night that he had before.
3.I don't feel like I have to go all out fixing myself up. It is much more laid back....living near the coast plus on the border contributes to that. Shorts, tshirt, flip flops and a pony tail and I fit right it! Love it!
4. We are at least 5 degrees cooler that the rest of the valley here in Brownsville. I have no idea why, I think because we are so close to the ocean maybe.... Also the evenings cool off. In Fort Worth it was hot even after dark...but come 6:30 here the breeze starts blowing off the coast and it feels so great outside.
5. The ocean - I love it. I hope that I never get used to it. When I am at the beach looking out over the ocean I am slammed with how big God is and how beautiful He is and yet at the same time I feel so close to Him...like he's sitting on the sand beside me enjoying His beauty with me.
6.I am being social!!! When we went to Gateway, I knew that it was not a place that I would be at for an extended time. I didn't spend a lot of effort making friends or putting myself out there. When I got to Brownsville, I threw myself into this church and its people from day one - actually before day one. Since coming here, I hug more, I smile more, I listen more. We have people over, and go places with people. I talk on the phone now! Big change! I I have more love in my heart than I ever thought possible. And I am having so much fun and feel so incredibly blessed.
7. Working with the youth. When we went to Gateway, Blake and I knew that it would be a place that God would build our character. For that reason, I put up a lot of walls and didn't let many people get too close, especially people from church. I knew character building could be rough and I wasn't sure I wanted an audience watching me learn the hard lessons....prideful much?? The few times I felt like I really put myself out there it resulted in a few unsuccessful and a couple of humiliating experiences. There were many times that I felt horrible about myself, and wondered if I even had anything inside of me left that God could use for His glory. But God was so good to me. He reminded me in that secret place of just him and I who I was and to not give up on the dreams he had placed in my heart. He also taught me in those quiet times with him that when he brought me back into a place where I would get to minister and lead that I must not let peoples' praise make me think higher of myself that I should just as he was teaching me not to allow failure to make me think less of myself than I should. I came to this town and this church knowing that I was going to have a chance to live out my passions and I have....It has been amazing, but I remind myself every day where I was just three months ago and plead with my Jesus to give me mercy for I know that I am only here because of Him. And my only desire is to glorify Him. Every word that comes out of my mouth has the power to bring others closer to Him if my heart, my pride, and my will is Christ-centered. I HAVE to have Him. I know it more now that I ever have before.

There is more - But I have to go be social!! Woohoo!!

His Grace is SO Much More that Enough!!

Of all the best wishes and wisdom given to me before I left, there were two that stood out to me. Two women at two different times looked me in the eyes and with a tone of "this is from the Lord" said to me, "God will give you the grace that you need in your new place." It was almost eery how identically they said this to me. I was not thrilled with this "bit of advice". A need for grace means....I will be facing things that won't be easy, right? I imagined all the reasons I might need God's grace and tried to be grateful that the Lord was already showing me through these two women that I would have grace to...survive.

Well here I am after ten days in Brownsville and without a doubt I have needed God's grace. The thing is, however, that I was oh so wrong about His grace. His grace is not about just surviving. Its about lifting us above our challenges, our "moments", our fears and, our disappointments, and filling us with joy, peace, excitement, and inspiration. I can't tell you how many times in the past ten days, the Lord has, sometimes in a matter of minutes, changed me on the inside: my expectations, my preconceived notions, and my cultural ideas of how things are "supposed to be". There have been situations arise that I've thought, "Oh no this is NOT good." And then twenty minutes later my viewpoint has turned 180 degrees. He has stuck His pointer finger in my heart and said, "Hey see that....oops....are you a snob?" And I've responded, "Oh, my, surely that can't be! Snobbery disgusts me! But gosh darn that is pretty nasty!" And I've felt Him dig it out and suddenly my surroundings look beautiful and full of life and I feel like dancing and hugging people.

Today was probably my hardest day. I was tired, I was hot, I was stressed, I was worried, and I was grumpy! As I drove home from the store I asked the Lord, "Where is all that grace Lord?" And He whispered to me, "Hold on.....it is there. Just because you can't feel it at the moment doesn't mean its not there." I turned up the New Life Worship CD and I suddenly felt God's presence all over me. He didn't give me a miraculous change of viewpoint this time, but He gave me something better....He gave me Himself. I ran over a curb turning a corner because I could barely see through my tears. Tears from a heart in love with my Gracious Savior who I will never have figured out and who chases after me sometimes and sometimes sits back and waits for me to come after HIm. I will not let go, Lord. Where else can I go? I have tasted and I have seen and I am hooked..... You are mine and I am your's...wrapped in your most amazing grace.

My favorite song right now and an awesome testimony!

Moving

Blake accepted a job as worship and youth pastor in Brownsville, Texas. We are moving May 30th and his first day is June 1st. I wrote a blog below with a few more details in MANY more words!!

About to GO!

I was in North Central Mexico up in the mountains in a small town called Aquismon. I was there visiting missionaries with a group of 4th-12th grade girls from my church. We were staying in dorms at a Bible school set up by the missionaries. They had also set up a clinic on the same property. One morning I was sitting by myself towards the front of the property looking out at the mountains and at the line of people waiting to get inside of the clinic. Mostly poor Indian people who had traveled for hours to get there hoping that this place would be the answer to their suffering. Bare feet, dirty clothes, crying children, festering sores, looks of pain and desperation. My eleven year old eyes saw so much and my heart felt even more. I was changed in that moment. Changed forever. I felt this certainty deep within me that my destiny was somehow connected to these people. I went back two more times in the next three years. Once with my family when I was thirteen and again with the girls' group at my church when I was fourteen. I remember sitting in a hotel room back in Texas after that last trip as our leaders lead us in a time of sharing and prayer before we left for home the next morning. Most of the girls were crying and saying pretty much the same thing....."I just feel so awful that those people live in such poverty." "I am so grateful for all that we have." "I wish I could just bring all those people here to live where we do." I sat in silence trying to mask my face from showing any emotion. I was almost angry with the girls. I felt different than they did, but I had no idea how to express what I was feeling. I didn't even know for sure myself what I was thinking! All I knew as that I did NOT want to drag all those people to live in my world. I thought their world was beautiful. I thought they were beautiful. In many ways, I admired their way of life. Of course, my heart hurt for their poverty, for their sickness, for their lost souls. But I did not feel as much like they were missing out on my world not being able to come with me as I was missing out on their world leaving them. For the next four summers I did child evangelism work in my area. Along with other teenagers we did Bible clubs in neighborhoods, apartment complexes, trailer parks, and day cares. I loved it. My heart was full. About half of the places that we went were among the "lower class." The children were not usually clean, wore torn clothes that didn't fit, often had runny noses and coughs and more importantly had the biggest most beautiful smiles of anyone I've ever met. This is where I would share the Bible lessons with a passion that came from down deep in my heart. These were the places that I would leave at the end of a week with tears in my eyes and an aching heart. I knew without a doubt that my future was not the "American dream" life. I wanted to be in full time ministry. I wanted to give my time, my comfort, and and my life to pour out the love of God on those who were truly hungry for it. Our years at CFNI were just fuel for the flame. I was so stirred up. I felt ready!

After we were done at CFNI, Blake was offered the audio director position at Gateway. Blake knew we were supposed to go, but I didn't want to. Southlake.....the richest city in Texas......God...are you kidding me? This is SOOOO not what you've put in my heart. Yet, He is so wise. We have learned so much. This has been a six year character building school! Blake was 21 when we came here. He was my favorite person and had been since I was fifteen, but God was about to show me something pretty great! I have seen him meet several challenging situations while at Gateway and watched him walk through them with such humility and grace. I have seen a maturity come from within him and a strength come upon him as he's thrown himself at God when things got hard to handle. I have sat back and been amazed by him over and over. When we came to Gateway he was my partner in life but honestly I thought I was the smarter one. Now, I have a spiritual leader in my life who I trust to hear God, to be patient, to be full of mercy, to be my calm when things look crazy. This has been the greatest part of the past six years.....falling in love with the man that was the boy that I was already in love with. Besides that, though, we have been so incredibly blessed by Gateway church. It was so great to be at place that has provided for us financially and more important spiritually. We have listened to Pastor Robert with a panting spirit. We have worshiped under amazingly talented worship pastors and been under the authority of a group of elders who listen to the heart of God and obey! We are so incredibly grateful.

Last month we were invited by the elders and pastor of a church in Brownsville to come talk with them and lead worship for them. They were looking for someone to be their worship and youth pastor. Blake and I spent an unbelievable weekend visiting with the elders and their wives, the pastor, the worship team, the youth group and other leaders in the church. We felt an incredible peace the whole time we were there. It was almost surreal for me to go downtown and see the Mexico border! God, you are so incredible! For the past six years, I have wondered many times if I had dreamed up in my own head all the things I thought God had showed me as a teenager. But as I drove around this town full of Mexican people and talked with the incredible leadership at this church who are encouraging me to come along side Blake and use my gifts as well, I had to laugh out loud with an overflowing joy! God, you have not forgotten!!!!!!! I feel like I have been at the starting line for the past six years waiting on God to blow the whistle and there have been times I've gotten tired of waiting and tried to start before God and he's blown the whistle and said, "No-way girlie, its not your time yet!" And now I feel like I see him putting the whistle up to his mouth with a twinkle in his eye looking at me and saying, "Ok, its about your turn so get ready!" I have to admit, there have been a couple of times in the past few weeks that I've thought just for a minute, "Wait, maybe I like it here at the starting line. Its kind of comfy!" But then I slap myself, "What are you thinking!!" "This is what you've been waiting on." There have also been times that I have been hit with incredible doubt. What makes us think we are up to this challenge? We've never even worked with youth before. All I've done in the past six years is take care of my babies! One night as I was getting ready for bed and struggling with these thoughts I felt God told me to read 1 Corinthians 1&2. I had no idea what it said, but when I got in bed and read it my heart started beating fast and I knew these were my verses. The verses I will lean on as I move, the verses I will dwell on as I get to pour out what God has been putting in my heart these years of waiting, the verses I will not foget when I have times of victory and the verses I will chose to believe in the times I fail. I love God's Word to me. Through this experience I have been so full of emotion that I feel like I can't even hear from God when I pray, but time after time He has spoken to me through his scripture. Here is His word that I am claiming for this new adventure in our lives!

1 Corinthians 1:25-2:5

For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.
Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.
When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God.For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power.

these kids......

The kids came in from playing this afternoon and Camden plopped down on the couch beside me. I said, "I smell feet." He stuck one of his feet up in my face to smell. "No, thank you," I said. So he pulled it up to his face and sniffed. "Does it smell like dirty boy?" he said. I told him yes it does. He said, "Yep, then its me."

We got home this evening from walking/riding bikes around the neighborhood. It felt really stuffy when we came in the house, and Camden immediately took off his shirt. Hope asked us if she could take her shirt off too. Since they were about to take a bath anyway, Blake told her she could and pulled it off for her. She looked down at her stomach, patted it, and then looked up at Blake and said, "Lets wrestle!"

Priceless

This past Sunday, Camden had a soccer game. Every few minutes they switch out with their sub, come off the field, get a water break, and usually have a pep talk with their Dad. During the second half of the game, Blake was down at the other end of the field close to the goalie doing some coaching since the kids can't hear their coach from that end. So when Camden stepped out of the field and saw that his Daddy was way over on the other side he grabbed his thermos and came over and say in my lap. As I held my sweaty little boy and listened to him cheer on his team and gulp his water, I contemplated once again how precious this time was. What an adventure it is to be a mommy to a son. This is such an amazing time in his life. Already becoming part man but still my little boy that would rather (at least sometimes) sit on my lap than stand on the bleachers with his teammates. I sat there with my arms around him feeling his heart about to beat out of his chest and savored an unforgettable moment.

Baby Steps

This morning Pastor Robert talked about how Jesus is merciful and sympathetic towards us because He too, has been tempted and suffered on this earth. Towards the end of the sermon he told us that we live in a fallen world full of temptation, with legions of demons trying to destroy us. Then he paused and said, "You are doing better than you think you are." Immediately in my mind, I argued with him. No we're not, I thought. Actually we are all probably worse than we think we are.

This afternoon, after church, I received in a round about long-story way a corrective criticism. As usual, I felt hurt and offended. Minutes later, as I was outside helping build our deck, I realized that I had to and wanted to respond differently this time. I realized how sick I was of being offended. So I thought, you know, what she said is so true. If I would take to heart what she said, I would be a better person. I bet 20 times in the next half hour I would begin to feel upset in my stomach and I would make my spirit tell my soul, "She is right, you know, take it to heart, and let it make you a better person." The last time I was telling myself that, I was standing still holding a post straight and I clearly heard the Lord speak to my heart and say, "You are doing better than you think you are." How unbelievably merciful and loving my Savior is to me. When I am fed up with myself, He is still loving me. He sees my ridiculously slow baby steps and countless falls and reaches out His incredible arms of grace and embraces my heart that is so full of doubt and shame and whispers that He loves me. I am overwhelmed.

Dirty Boy

My in-laws are coming to our house tomorrow. After lunch I was getting the kids to help clean up the kitchen so that I could sweep and mop. As we were scurrying around, I said, "We have to get this house clean for PaPa." Camden said, "Yeah, PaPa is a clean boy." I said, "You are right about that!" Then he said, "And Grandaddy.....he's a dirty boy." I laughed SO hard and anybody that knows both mine and Blake's dads would probably find this funny as well.

Kid days

This morning we were in the car and Camden was writing his spelling words. He asked me what the date was. Then he said, "When Adam was born it was the date 1 right? (as in now is 2009 - but then was year 1) I told him that 1 actaully started after Jesus rose from the grave. He said, "Actually Adam was never born, right." I said, "Right, he was created." Camden said, "Yeah, he missed his kid days.....actually his kids days was being dirt."

and people think she never talks......

Yesterday Blake was about to go to work and he was hugging me in the family room. Hope was at the kitchen table (which looks right into the Family room) eating her lunch when out of nowhere she said, "Daddy?" We looked over at her and she had tears welled up in her eyes and her lip was quivering. Blake said, "What is it, Hope?" She said, "Do you love Mommy more than me?" We looked at each other a little panicky - what do you say to that when she's looking at him with teary puppy-dog eyes? He said, "Ahhh Hope, I love all my family." That seemed to satisfy her....for the time being anyway.

This past Christmas we talked to the kids a lot about all the less fortunate people and children in the world with the hope that they wouldn't get caught up in all the wanting everything they see on all the toy commercials. Since Christmas Hope prays almost every night that "all the poor people will have more food than us, a bigger house than us, and more stuff than us." I say that first to show that the "poor" are on her mind a lot. Today after she had been playing in the backyard for awhile she ran in and told me that she was hungry. I said, "Ok, let me finish this and then I'll make dinner." She said, "But, Mommy I'm hungry like the poor people!"

grown up?

I was showing my mom the other day some pictures of people I had on my facebook. She noticed several friends of hers and my dad's on my friend list. She said, "Hmmm so there are grown ups on this thing?" I wonder how old I will have to be before she considers me a grown up??

Venture a guess?

Yesterday Hope asked us if she died before she was a grown-up (Actually her words were, "If I get killed before I'm a grown-up" but she meant if she dies) would she keep growing up to be a grown-up in Heaven. Wow! What a question from a four year old.

more quotes

Here are some more really good quotes from Phillip Yancey's Reaching the Invisible God

Quote 2 - "Creatures of flesh and blood, we lose patience with anything that does not manifest itself on our terms."

I am guilty of pulling away from God when I come to a place in my spiritual walk where I really don't understand Him, or I am frightened by what I have discovered about Him.

Quote 3 - "The modern world honors intelligence, good looks, confidence, and sophistication. God, apparently, does not. To accomplish his work God often relies on simple, uneducated people who don't know any better than to trust him, and through them wonders happen."

I LOVE THIS!!!!!! PERIOD!!!!

Quote 4 - "Doubt always coexists with faith, for in the presence of certainty who would need faith at all"

When I was pregnant with Camden I had some difficulties early on in my pregnancy. For the first 14 weeks I had a 50/50 chance of losing my baby. I was attending CFNI at the time and taking a class and attending a life group where the teacher and the life group leaders believed that if you have enough faith you will be healed - no question. I wrestled with what exactly my beliefs were on faith. I knew that if they were correct and I lost my baby the fault would be fine - because I for sure had a load of doubt and fear. I learned alot from those 14 weeks. What I felt like was the hardest weeks of my life, I am now so grateful for. For a number of reasons, one being that I learned that faith is a journey. A journey of hope and journey of believing God's promises, a journey of knowing that his thoughts and his ways surpass any understanding that I will ever have on this earth, and a journey of knowing that God is everything to me. Even if God had taken Camden to Heaven before we met Him, what would there have been for us except still.......God.

Quote 5 - "Without somehow destroying me in the process, how could God reveal himself in a way that would leave no room for doubt? If there were no room for doubt, there would be no room for me."

No comment here - I just thought it was a quote I wanted to mull over....

Book Review 2

I just started another book today by Phillip Yancey. Phillip Yancey wrote one of my most favorite books Whats so Amazing about Grace. This one is called Reaching for the Invisible God. I have only read a couple of chapters, but I want to comment on a couple of quotes that I don't want to forget.

Quote 1 - "If you find God with great ease, perhaps its not God that you have found."

If you read my blog below you will know that this speaks to my quest I am on this year. A quest to know the magnificent part of God. Right now our Pastor is preaching a sermon series on The Holy Spirit - Our Best Friend. He is showing our church that the Holy Spirit is our comforter, our companion, and someone we can commune with all day long. I know that this is a fact because the Holy Spirit does commune with me. For instance yesterday, I woke up to find Blake already at work. I felt a little sad at first because he hadn't woke me up before he left to tell me Happy Birthday and without a doubt in my heart I know the Holy Spirit spoke to me. He said, "Happy Birthday and I am the first to tell you." I fell back to sleep with a smile on my face. What a gift!! So far Phillip Yancey seems to come across as skeptical about this kind of relationship with God. I believe God is reachable through the Holy Spirit. Jesus walked and talked, and touched people and He was God. Pastor Robert said yesterday that Jesus said sending the Holy Spirit would be better that having him on the earth. Why? Because we can each walk and talk with the Holy Spirit - each of us that has surrendered our life to God can have God with us. But there is the God possibly God the Father(?), that walked past Moses and covered his eyes so that He would not die from looking at Him. I know I am not in a place for that much of God to walk past me, but I want to get closer and I feel strongly that it won't be "with great ease."

Gotta go make dinner so I'll try to post a couple of more quotes tonight.

Book Review

I just finished an updated edited version of the book In His Steps written by Charles Sheldon in 1896. It was about a group of Christians that took a vow that for a year they would ask themselves, "What would Jesus do?" before every decision. After arriving at what they believed Jesus would do in each situation they would respond in that exact way no matter what that would mean to their comfort, reputation, or future success. It was a very thought provoking book to read. I am going to try to give a more in-depth review at a later time mostly for my own benefit. I don't want to forget the questions this book has stirred in my heart. I want to be a seeker this year. I am convinced that God wants to reveal more of himself to me, but He is not going to make it easy for me. And I'm glad. And I hope that I am ready because I am going to start searching for Him and stop living off of my past encounters with Him. The quote from C S Lewis also comes to mind, "God is not safe but He is good." I feel that this part of himself that He wants to show me is not the "Jesus is my best friend" part of Him. It is the part of Him that make us willingly plead with Him like Isaiah, "Take a coal and cleanse my lips." The Holy God that we don't slap on the back but instead fall flat on the floor in something close to terror. I'm not exactly sure how to search, but I know I need to filter some things out of my life and make my mind and heart a better "home" for the Holy Spirit. I need to give Him more time to reveal Himself. I need to check my heart regularly and make sure the Lord continues to see in me a hunger for Him and not fullness from everything else I have filled myself with. My worry is that I won't succeed. I'll find myself next year still in this same place wondering what would happen if I start really searching for more of God. "God, don't let me give up".....dare I pray that?