He loves us

Last week was a hard week. I struggled physically, mentally, and emotionally. Through it all, I had a deep knowing that it was spiritual. Yesterday as I sat and listened as the worship team prayed before service, I felt the Lord wooing me. Asking me to lay down my frustration, my hurts, my fears and to meet with Him in a place of surrender. He wanted my focus. Intimacy is very difficult when we are distracted, and my God wanted intimacy - His spirit and mine, His heart and mine. I knew that there was nothing that I needed more.

As we entered into praise and worship, I sensed Him immediately. Anytime I would close my eyes, I would feel like someone was coming up to my left side. I was sitting alone so I would open my eyes, but no one would be there. This happened several times until I finally decided that it must be the presence of the Lord. So the next time I felt it, I did as Eli told Samuel and I waited for the Lord to speak. I stood in absolute stillness and quiet and I began to know in my spirit His words and His thoughts for me. I kept having to open my eyes and distract myself from Him for a bit because I felt sure that I would fall over if I didn't, but each time I closed my eyes I would feel His presence again and always strongly at my left side. He spoke to me of His love for me. He whispered that if I knew how much He loved me, I would have no desires unmet, no needs that left me feeling weak and vulnerable.

This morning I was remembering yesterday morning. Reveling again in the experience and contemplating the wonder and beauty of meeting with the God of Creation. I began to question if there was something He was trying to express to me by being so strongly felt on my left side. I got on the internet and began to research. What I found is something I already knew, I just didn't put it together. The left side is the side of our heart. In artistry and mythology when something is held in the left hand or close to the left side it often directly or indirectly involves that person's heart. It gave me that dizzy beautiful feeling of being in love. My Savior came to my left side, the side of my heart, to talk to me of His love for me. He had enough intense love for me that He was that detailed in His expression. I am undone. He IS love.

Memories and Resolution

2009 was an amazing year for us. As I have contemplated the past year, I am amazed at the difference a year can make. I know that Brownsville, Texas is not the place that most dream of living, but for us it is home - the place we waited for and prayed for, for seven years. My little girl asked and received salvation this year - a precious and eternal moment that our whole family got to share. We have seen God do many miracles in our lives. He has provided for us time and time again in ways that prove without a doubt that He is our sustainer and is personally and mightily involved in our lives. This past Sunday, Blake and I attended the church we were raised in. Worship was awesome and the pastor that I listened to from the age of 2 until I graduated high school preached a message that changed and will continue to change my life. He asked us if we live a life of doubt or a life of faith. He said that doubt and faith are habitual so that we either live a life of habitual faith or a life of habitual doubt. I was struck with conviction. The incredible conviction of God that always comes with a sure sense of His love for me. A love that surges within and lets me know that He will help me change if I have the desire to turn from my wicked ways and surrender. How in a million years after all that God has done for me, could I doubt His faithfulness? I want this year to be the year of a life change for me. I will practice faith when I want to stress and worry. I will practice faith when I want to over-analyze. I will practice faith when I want to rant and rave. I will practice faith...until it comes naturally. This is my primary new years resolution.

PS. Secondary resolutions - reading through the Bible in a year, studying Spanish, and the one I renew every year: staying un-pregnant :)

The Creator of Romance

The kids and I watched The Nativity Story yesterday. I think we will watch it every Christmas season.

I was struck by the romance of the story of Joseph and Mary. God could have chosen Mary's mother to be with her during the birth and days leading up to it, or her Aunt Elizabeth, or an esteemed physician, but instead he chose a carpenter. A humble man who had already chosen Mary to be his bride, a man who had chosen to remain with her and protect her in this position of great honor and great difficult. He traveled with her many miles to Bethlehem caring for her, providing for her, making moment by moment sacrifices to ensure that she and the Messiah child were safe. They must have grown so close during this time. Both of them thrust into circumstances that were completely new to them. The Bible said that Joseph did not "know" Mary until after Jesus was born. To me, this makes it even more romantic. He was serving her, learning to love her, all while waiting for her. I guess we don't know for sure, but in the busyness of Bethlehem and being in a stable, he probably was the only one to help her during the labor and delivery of the baby Jesus. I think of how overwhelming the birthing process is to any new Daddy - but Joseph a man who had never "been" with a woman, and with no one but him to step in, became Mary's partner during her tremendous pain and delivery. He was there to catch the baby and place it in Mary's arms. What must he have felt as he watched Mary with the baby? I can only imagine the way their hearts must have been knit together at that moment.

In these days when romance is so shallow and selfish, I was reminded that God created romance and that love is a thing of great beauty. When we give of ourselves and seek the other person's good above our own we can create a romance that lasts forever and the story of it can be passed down for generations to come. I want to leave a legacy of romance - a romance with my God and a romance with the man He blessed me with in this life.

a dream

I had a last dream last night that has been heavy on my mind all day. I decided that I should "document" it just because it has effected me so much. You never know.....

I dreamed that I was somewhere and I saw a man - an evil man - who was standing beside a pile of ice. In that pile of ice laid a tiny little girl with no clothes on. She looked right about two years old but she was very skinny. She was blue around the mouth and very near unconscious. I ran over and grabbed her out of the pile of ice and then ran away from the man. I can vividly remember - like it was real - how cold her little body felt. I had to hold tight to her head or it would fall back like a new born baby. I grabbed a blanket and just held her close to me with the blanket around her. After a while she whimpered, "I'm cold." I said to her, "Mommy will make you better." That's all I remember of the dream, but sometime later in the night I had another dream and she was with me in the dream. This time she was dressed warmly and smiling and running a long beside me while I was trying to get to a meeting.

I've just been thinking all day about this little girl...wondering if she is out there somewhere and needs me.


All right - I know this is a melancholy post. I just felt the need to write it down.

conversation from yesterday

Hope - "Mommy, where were you born?"
Me - "Lufkin - where PaPa and Grammy live."
Hope - "Well you don't look like you were born in Lufkin!"
Me - "Where do I look like I was born?"
Hope - "Africa or something"

Thank you, Son.

Camden has a friend over today. I made oven pizzas for lunch. As they sat down to eat, Camden's friend said, "Did you make this from scratch?" "Uhmm, no," I replied. After a bit he said, "One time my mom made a pizza from scratch using soy cheese and fresh tomatoes. It was SOOO good." Then Camden looked up and said, "One time my mom made pizza from scratch too... and I didn't like it."

Anniversary (almost)

In two weeks, Blake and I will have been married for nine years. And I am SO in love with him!! I love how I feel when he walks into our house after work - I can't explain it - like chocolate, sunshine with a cool breeze, and a down comforter all wrapped up in one! I love how I feel when he holds me at night and prays in a barely audible voice until he or I fall asleep. I love that he checks on our kids every night before he comes to bed. I love that he is nothing like me yet we have so much in common. I love that he has this love affair with God that he can't contain. I love that he is the same person at home that he is at church. I love that he is reserved and because of that I know 100 times more about him than anyone on earth. I love that he never gets disappointed in me and hardly ever gets frustrated with me even though he has reason to daily! I love that he gets stressed out so rarely that when he does, it makes me giggle and then he laughs too. I love that he knows how to fix our computer, work our remote controls, and maneuver the antennae just right so that we can pick up two English speaking tv channels. I love that he is fine with the fact that he has to make sure my cell phone is charged or it would be dead all the time. I love that I fit perfect in his arms. I love that he (along with God) has given me the life I dreamed of as a girl.