Monday, August 11, 2008
silly girl
Just now, Hope was downstairs having a snack of cheerios and milk before bed. She hollered up to me, "Mommy, I need some more milk for my cheerios." I could see as I was going downstairs that she had about five soggy cheerios sitting on the bottom of her bowl. She had her face real close to her bowl when I heard her say to her five remaining cheerios, "Ahhh You little cuties."
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Can't wait to tell Blake!
This morning I was ironing clothes for church and the kids were downstairs eating breakfast. (Blake was already at church) I heard the kids start to fight and then Hope burst out crying. Camden ran upstairs and into my room to report that it was not his fault. I said, "Camden I would just like for you guys to be kind to each other this morning and not fight. I want to get my heart ready to worship the Lord this morning at church and can't do that when I am angry." Then Camden said, "Well Mommy, that is just not going to change. You know how Daddy is meaner in the mornings? Well so are me and Hopie. We just can't help it." I was just so happy he said Daddy was meaner in the mornings and not Mommy!
time change
I finally corrected the time clock on my blog. All the times on my previous blogs have been wrong. My mom picked that up pretty quick when she saw that I had blogged at 7AM. She knew there must be a mistake! I have to add that all my times were changed to the correct times from my previous posts. Cool!!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Memories.......
The summer that I was fifteen and Blake was fourteen several of us from our youth group at church went to a kids camp to be junior counselors. I "liked" Blake and he "liked" me. Though we knew the other one liked the other one and we talked often, we had yet to actually talk to each other about our mutual "attraction" haha. He talked about it with our friends that were boys and I talked about it to our friends that were girls and then they talked to each other and brought back word. Wow! I think we were a little old for that even at 14 and 15 but...anyway. One night I handed him a note before evening service as my campers walked past his campers that said, "I am getting tired of talking through Ben, Leah, and Kacie are you?" Later he handed me the note back and it said, "Yes, so now what???" And that was twelve years ago today.....
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Truth: I am not perfect
Blake and I attended a marriage conference this weekend with Dr. Gary Smalley and Dr.Greg Smalley. It was really good. It was mainly focused on helping yourself become spiritually and emotionally healthy. If two spiritually and emotionally healthy people are married, chances are their marriage will be healthy. Last night they talked about how we all have "buttons." There are certain things that people do that just really get to us and cause consistent reactions. These "buttons" are connected to specific fears that we have and these fears usually come from lies that we have believed and have allowed to become part of our heart, part of our core and our hearts determine our thoughts, words, and actions. We were encouraged to try to discover what our "buttons" are and what our reactions are when those buttons are pushed.
After the last session was over, we went to pick up the kids from their classes. We were the third couple in line at Hope's class and Blake and I were just watching her color and look sweet while we waited for our turn at the door. About that time, one of the children's workers came down the hall and asked all of us to move ourselves against the wall instead of out in the middle of the hallway where we were blocking the flow of people traffic. Well, immediately, I get mad at this woman. I start thinking about how she thinks she is so important because she works for the children's department and gets to boss people around and look smart. Then I "listen" to my thinking and realize.....hmmm I think I'm noticing a "button" here. The button is that I DO NOT like to be told that I am doing something wrong. I've always hated that. I have always tried VERY, VERY hard to always do everything exactly right so that I am never corrected. When I am corrected my reaction is always: anger. Anger at the person that corrected me. I can go back in my mind to quite possibly every time I have ever been corrected all the way back to the second grade and I still have bad feelings thinking about those moment and still feel anger towards the person that corrected me. I wish to this day that I could go back and change each of those times so that I would have done the perfect thing and not had to have been corrected. I asked the Lord on the way home, "What belief do I need to change in my heart so that I can be free of this?" I felt like that he showed me that I need to realize that I am not always going to be perfect. Sometimes I will make mistakes because I still have a sinful nature and I will sin and sometimes I will just make mistakes out of ignorance or bad judgement. Like the line last night.... I wasn't sinning, I was just oblivious to the fact that I was holding up traffic. The lady pointed it out to us to help and that should have been the end of it. There was no reason for me to be angry at the lady and no reason to wish that I could have stood in line perfectly against the wall so that I wouldn't have had to be corrected. It was what it was and now I know. I know its going to take time. It took time to develop the belief that I needed to be perfect all the time and it will take time to let this new belief take root and grow, that mistakes happen and its OK!! The Smalleys told us that only the Lord and His Word can uproot belief systems that have been growing in our hearts since we were children. They told us to find a scripture that speaks truth to us on our specific fears and memorize and meditate on it every day. So I need to find a scripture!
I was tested in this area again today. After the conference was over today at noon, the kids and I went and ate lunch and then picked something up for Blake to take back to him at the church. When I got close to the church I saw that there was a fire truck in the turn lane in front of the church. There must have been a wrecked car right in front of it. There was a police car behind the fire truck. It was halfway in the turn lane and halfway in the first lane. I saw that the firetruck was a little way past the turn in at the church so I went ahead and pulled in to the turn lane to turn into the church. I knew that I would probably be parallel to the police car when I got close enough to turn. Well when I got up close to the police car he turned the front of his car towards me. I wondered if he did that because he didn't want me to move forward or was he just trying to get more in the turn lane and out of the road. So I just watched him to see if he would look at me and point me back to the lanes to go around or if he would motion that I could go. Well he didn't look back at me at all. I saw that the cars coming the other way were about to all clear and I would be able to turn and since the police officer was ignoring me, I figured I was fine and pulled up parallel to him so I could turn. (I hope this is making some type of sense.) Well when I did that the officer threw his door open jumped out and screamed, "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING??!!" I think my jaw hit the floor and I just kind of pointed at the church and mouthed, I need to get to the church. Then with his face as red as a tomato and all his veins popping from his head, face, and throat he yelled, "GO AROUND!!!" and pointed me back to the far lane. As quick as I could, (I think I was about to pass out) I maneuvered between his car and the fire truck to get back to the far lane. About that time the firetruck and the tow truck that I could now see in front were needing to get out of the turn lane and back onto the road, but they couldn't because I was in the first lane now because the officer forced me out of the turn lane and the traffic was car to car in the far lane. So now I had the fire truck and tow truck drivers glaring at me because I was blocking them from getting on to the road and I don't even WANT to know what the furious officer was doing at that point. I was mortified!!! My kids were yelling from the back seat, "What is wrong with that police officer, Mommy? Why is he yelling at you? What did you do? Call Daddy!!" I have made this commitment to try to give my kids a good attitude towards police officers so I tried to tell them that he was just trying to keep us safe and that obviously Mommy wasn't doing a safe thing and he was worried about us and that he probably had, had a bad morning because it is really hot outside. However, I wanted to tell them that he was a woman hating jerk!! Then once again I felt the Lord remind me......"You made a mistake." Now you know what to do next time. No big deal - just go on." I said in my heart, "But, God he shouldn't have screamed at me. Convict him for being so mean. He was mean, right, God?" I heard him say, "He is not your problem. Your reaction is your problem. Let yourself make mistakes, forgive yourself, and go on.
God is so good for not letting us stay where we are, isn't he? This is the life abundantly that he talks about in His Word. Abundance is not material possessions. It is freedom. Freedom from sin. Freedom from anger, bitterness, self-hatred. It is love. Love for ourselves, our families, our spouses, the world.....and police officers.
After the last session was over, we went to pick up the kids from their classes. We were the third couple in line at Hope's class and Blake and I were just watching her color and look sweet while we waited for our turn at the door. About that time, one of the children's workers came down the hall and asked all of us to move ourselves against the wall instead of out in the middle of the hallway where we were blocking the flow of people traffic. Well, immediately, I get mad at this woman. I start thinking about how she thinks she is so important because she works for the children's department and gets to boss people around and look smart. Then I "listen" to my thinking and realize.....hmmm I think I'm noticing a "button" here. The button is that I DO NOT like to be told that I am doing something wrong. I've always hated that. I have always tried VERY, VERY hard to always do everything exactly right so that I am never corrected. When I am corrected my reaction is always: anger. Anger at the person that corrected me. I can go back in my mind to quite possibly every time I have ever been corrected all the way back to the second grade and I still have bad feelings thinking about those moment and still feel anger towards the person that corrected me. I wish to this day that I could go back and change each of those times so that I would have done the perfect thing and not had to have been corrected. I asked the Lord on the way home, "What belief do I need to change in my heart so that I can be free of this?" I felt like that he showed me that I need to realize that I am not always going to be perfect. Sometimes I will make mistakes because I still have a sinful nature and I will sin and sometimes I will just make mistakes out of ignorance or bad judgement. Like the line last night.... I wasn't sinning, I was just oblivious to the fact that I was holding up traffic. The lady pointed it out to us to help and that should have been the end of it. There was no reason for me to be angry at the lady and no reason to wish that I could have stood in line perfectly against the wall so that I wouldn't have had to be corrected. It was what it was and now I know. I know its going to take time. It took time to develop the belief that I needed to be perfect all the time and it will take time to let this new belief take root and grow, that mistakes happen and its OK!! The Smalleys told us that only the Lord and His Word can uproot belief systems that have been growing in our hearts since we were children. They told us to find a scripture that speaks truth to us on our specific fears and memorize and meditate on it every day. So I need to find a scripture!
I was tested in this area again today. After the conference was over today at noon, the kids and I went and ate lunch and then picked something up for Blake to take back to him at the church. When I got close to the church I saw that there was a fire truck in the turn lane in front of the church. There must have been a wrecked car right in front of it. There was a police car behind the fire truck. It was halfway in the turn lane and halfway in the first lane. I saw that the firetruck was a little way past the turn in at the church so I went ahead and pulled in to the turn lane to turn into the church. I knew that I would probably be parallel to the police car when I got close enough to turn. Well when I got up close to the police car he turned the front of his car towards me. I wondered if he did that because he didn't want me to move forward or was he just trying to get more in the turn lane and out of the road. So I just watched him to see if he would look at me and point me back to the lanes to go around or if he would motion that I could go. Well he didn't look back at me at all. I saw that the cars coming the other way were about to all clear and I would be able to turn and since the police officer was ignoring me, I figured I was fine and pulled up parallel to him so I could turn. (I hope this is making some type of sense.) Well when I did that the officer threw his door open jumped out and screamed, "WHAT ARE YOU THINKING??!!" I think my jaw hit the floor and I just kind of pointed at the church and mouthed, I need to get to the church. Then with his face as red as a tomato and all his veins popping from his head, face, and throat he yelled, "GO AROUND!!!" and pointed me back to the far lane. As quick as I could, (I think I was about to pass out) I maneuvered between his car and the fire truck to get back to the far lane. About that time the firetruck and the tow truck that I could now see in front were needing to get out of the turn lane and back onto the road, but they couldn't because I was in the first lane now because the officer forced me out of the turn lane and the traffic was car to car in the far lane. So now I had the fire truck and tow truck drivers glaring at me because I was blocking them from getting on to the road and I don't even WANT to know what the furious officer was doing at that point. I was mortified!!! My kids were yelling from the back seat, "What is wrong with that police officer, Mommy? Why is he yelling at you? What did you do? Call Daddy!!" I have made this commitment to try to give my kids a good attitude towards police officers so I tried to tell them that he was just trying to keep us safe and that obviously Mommy wasn't doing a safe thing and he was worried about us and that he probably had, had a bad morning because it is really hot outside. However, I wanted to tell them that he was a woman hating jerk!! Then once again I felt the Lord remind me......"You made a mistake." Now you know what to do next time. No big deal - just go on." I said in my heart, "But, God he shouldn't have screamed at me. Convict him for being so mean. He was mean, right, God?" I heard him say, "He is not your problem. Your reaction is your problem. Let yourself make mistakes, forgive yourself, and go on.
God is so good for not letting us stay where we are, isn't he? This is the life abundantly that he talks about in His Word. Abundance is not material possessions. It is freedom. Freedom from sin. Freedom from anger, bitterness, self-hatred. It is love. Love for ourselves, our families, our spouses, the world.....and police officers.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
I will survive!
The Lord has done a work in my heart over the past several days. He and my husband remind me a lot of each other at times. They let me have my little hissy fit, pout a couple of days, and then when I realize that its not doing me any good, they are still there.... waiting for me and not holding it against me.
Part of the worship team at church is going on tour at the end of July for 17 days, and they asked Blake to go with them as their sound guy. Honestly, who can blame them.... he's pretty great to have around... but I was not pleased. I have whined, begged, and gave dissertations that would have won over any jury as to why I do not think he should be away from us for that long. Anyway after a few days of all my talking and trying and pleading, the answer was the same: "I've got to go - its my job." Well, I'm not exactly sure what my final response was something along the lines of "If there is an accident while you're on this trip and you die then I will never speak to you again and for the record I don't want anyone from the tech. or worship department coming to the funeral. (From time to time I have a tendency to be a tad dramatic, although it really never does me any good thanks to having a very laid back man as my husband.) Not too long after this final conversation I thought about my best friend from Junior High and High School who has seen her husband off to special training military schools where he comes back with cracked ribs and broken thumbs, and has sent him away to Iraq where he comes back with emotional wounds only the Lord can heal, and I know in my head that I am being a baby. Because Blake and I started "going together" at 14 and 15 and got married four years later, I never had a time in my life where I had only God. I have never had to depend on him and him alone. I feel like the Lord has began to stir in me almost a feeling of anticipation for Blake's upcoming trip. I will have to depend on the Lord to give me strength in the evenings when I'm used to Blake giving me a hour or two break from the kids. I will have to depend on the Lord to be my comfort when the house creaks and I think I hear things downstairs. I will have to depend on the Lord to hold me in his arms when any other time it would be Blake. I will not just endure those 17 days, I will grow stronger because of them, I will learn to depend more on the Lord and enjoy his companionship.
Part of the worship team at church is going on tour at the end of July for 17 days, and they asked Blake to go with them as their sound guy. Honestly, who can blame them.... he's pretty great to have around... but I was not pleased. I have whined, begged, and gave dissertations that would have won over any jury as to why I do not think he should be away from us for that long. Anyway after a few days of all my talking and trying and pleading, the answer was the same: "I've got to go - its my job." Well, I'm not exactly sure what my final response was something along the lines of "If there is an accident while you're on this trip and you die then I will never speak to you again and for the record I don't want anyone from the tech. or worship department coming to the funeral. (From time to time I have a tendency to be a tad dramatic, although it really never does me any good thanks to having a very laid back man as my husband.) Not too long after this final conversation I thought about my best friend from Junior High and High School who has seen her husband off to special training military schools where he comes back with cracked ribs and broken thumbs, and has sent him away to Iraq where he comes back with emotional wounds only the Lord can heal, and I know in my head that I am being a baby. Because Blake and I started "going together" at 14 and 15 and got married four years later, I never had a time in my life where I had only God. I have never had to depend on him and him alone. I feel like the Lord has began to stir in me almost a feeling of anticipation for Blake's upcoming trip. I will have to depend on the Lord to give me strength in the evenings when I'm used to Blake giving me a hour or two break from the kids. I will have to depend on the Lord to be my comfort when the house creaks and I think I hear things downstairs. I will have to depend on the Lord to hold me in his arms when any other time it would be Blake. I will not just endure those 17 days, I will grow stronger because of them, I will learn to depend more on the Lord and enjoy his companionship.
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