I am not an independent person. I am not a dare-devil. I like feeling safe and secure. I love being with those who love me. Maybe its for these reasons that there is something wonderful awaiting for me that terrifies me....Heaven. The thought of my my husband, children, and parents not being to me then what they are to me now is incomprehensible. Trying to wrap my brain around the truth that we will be there forever and ever and ever and ever and...well you get the point... has always made my stomach hurt. Angels, and the book of life, and the great white throne judgment, and the unknown that is inevitable throws me into a whirlwind of trepidation if I allow myself to dwell on it for long. I have prayed and asked the Lord for years to change my thoughts towards Heaven. There have been times during worship where I have truly looked forward to being in His presence forever. Times where worship ends and its like being torn from the arms of a lover. If only I could stay there forever. I catch a glimpse of Heaven during those times, but it doesn't stay with me.
A couple of days ago I had a dream. I was walking by a clear, blue river. I was hearing it bubbling and flowing, splashing onto rocks. I was walking in green grass. There were hills and big trees all around me. The weather was beautiful, just perfect. I felt so completely content. It was as if my mind, emotions, and heart no matter how deeply I searched or how hard I thought could not come up with one worry, one unmet desire, or one thought that would bring me sadness or fear. I had inexpressible peace. I did not have one thought about what was ahead or what was behind. I was just living utterly in the moment enjoying my surroundings and reveling in the contentedness of my soul. As I began to wake up I heard in my heart, whether it was in my dream or in my wakefulness I don't know, but I heard just the same...."This is what Heaven will be like."
I hope and pray this dreams stays with me wooing me like a love letter from my Savior because...I believe that's what it was.
2 comments:
You are a beautiful writer. I understand what you are saying when you say you can't comprehend your relationship with your family being different, and I feel the same way about desiring to feel safe and secure.
I love your last sentence. I pray that is what is is for you, too.
Christina, I loved this. I really think the Lord was showing you a glimpse that would speak to your spirit with peace. How sweet and precious is He?
~Janna
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